Wife cheated on me... again

[DarkMount]

Really sorry. Can't even imagine the feeling.

I don't know if you're still religious or not, but you do have biblical grounds to divorce her if that's what you're concerned about (I know that sounds silly, but I have a friend who won't divorce his wife bc of that, even though she left him and is sleeping around). If you feel like you've done all you can to make it work, then you've done all you can. Unfortunately, it takes two, not just you. Your wife seems very immature btw, does she admit that cheating was wrong, or does she not care?

She totally admits she was wrong. She regrets it all. And says she wishes it never happened. When she gets overwhelmed she checks in to the spot in her brain that is her own fantasy land that has no consequences. But when she finally comes out of it she regrets everything. Almost like a second personality. She's very immature.

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[RandyForRubio]

Have you two ever tried counseling?

 

[DarkMount]

We did last time she cheated. Thought it was fixed. Should have kept going back now and then for check ins. But I think we are past that now.

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[Miggs]

And it's hard to explain, but while she did all this she is still an amazing woman in so many other ways. Her mom died when she was 13 and her dad became very verbally abusive. Over time I was able to help her overcome so much and accomplish things she never dreamed she could. That's honestly the main thing that upsets me. Sadly she says she pictures me more of a father figure than a husband because I help her grow so much. Sad I know.

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And yet it's beautiful too bro. You're a good man.

 

[babe]

I think it's in incredibly poor taste to refer to a woman as a whore because she has sex with someone other than her partner.

I don't see how what I said isn't cool compared to what anyone else has said.

If the OP takes offense he can let me know and I'll apologize.

Given the reference to the six months with the incredibly rich gent, the term might be warranted. My question, better left unsaid, really, would be so what about the money and stuff. If the rich dude didn't pay, it could only prove it was for sex/love/attention/ and not stuff. Without reference to the pay, the term is not appropriate.
I'm still on the side of having some discussion about it before feeding the lawyers.

 

[Saint Cy of JFC]

Thanks for reminding me why marriage is the worst decision an adult male can make.

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[Dr. Jones]

Thanks for reminding me why marriage is the worst decision an adult male can make.

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Your would-have-been future ex-wife thanks this thread too.

 

[Deleted member 848]

And it's hard to explain, but while she did all this she is still an amazing woman in so many other ways. Her mom died when she was 13 and her dad became very verbally abusive. Over time I was able to help her overcome so much and accomplish things she never dreamed she could. That's honestly the main thing that upsets me. Sadly she says she pictures me more of a father figure than a husband because I help her grow so much. Sad I know.

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I think it's amazing that you have the perspective to understand this. I think it's important to acknowledge that we are all human, and the vast majority of us mean well in this world.

I don't doubt for a second that there's amazing things about this person-- I mean the fact that you spent so many years with her, and married her, is proof of this.

Unfortunately, I think it's a relationship that simply isn't destined to work-- and it's important that she learns to live with the consequences of her actions. At this point in her life, she likely isn't able to participate in a monogamous relationship-- perhaps only with you, maybe with all men in general. It's honestly best for her if you leave her, because it's crucial that she learns from this experience, and learns to not hurt others again.

So that's the way i see it. I think it's best for you to leave her, and I think dealing with a failed relationship & potentially lost custody will help move her towards changes in life that beget stability and fulfillment.

oh, and also-- don't worry about the kids being broken about having the family split. As a kid I'd much prefer two split parents who were HAPPY and ABLE to parent me, than two joined parents constantly on the verge of argument and breakdown

 

[babe]

She totally admits she was wrong. She regrets it all. And says she wishes it never happened. When she gets overwhelmed she checks in to the spot in her brain that is her own fantasy land that has no consequences. But when she finally comes out of it she regrets everything. Almost like a second personality. She's very immature.

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OK, so looking at this information, it does seem to me that there is an underlying problem. Might be mild schizophrenia going on, complete dissociation of her actions from her thinking. The childhood history supports that. It's a way we sometimes cope with extreme mistreatment. "This is not really me this is happening to. . . I am not responsible for this".

So anyway, it still strikes me that there is something to be gained in your own mind, in looking for and expressing the things you can truly value about her, while getting her some psych help and maybe going with for some counseling.

It doesn't sound like she just doesn't really love you at all.

 

[Dr. Jones]

OK, so looking at this information, it does seem to me that there is an underlying problem. Might be mild schizophrenia going on, complete dissociation of her actions from her thinking. The childhood history supports that. It's a way we sometimes cope with extreme mistreatment. "This is not really me this is happening to. . . I am not responsible for this".

So anyway, it still strikes me that there is something to be gained in your own mind, in looking for and expressing the things you can truly value about her, while getting her some psych help and maybe going with for some counseling.

It doesn't sound like she just doesn't really love you at all.

So what you're saying is you know her more than she knows herself?

 

[Saint Cy of JFC]

...and it's important that she learns to live with the consequences of her actions.

Agreed. Make it clean though, you obviously have a huge motive. I would suggest framing one of the ex-lovers.

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[Joe Bagadonuts]

I'm very against cheating so if it's me, I'm outta there. As tough as the ******** laws are for husbands, I imagine that you could win custody of the kids given her unstable state of mind, continuous cheating, and such. If she tries to lie, you have your computer for IT guys to prove she did. And cell records would help support that as well I'd think. I'm sorry for you and very sorry for the kids. That's a ****ty situation. Good luck, man.

You definitely imagine wrong. If the mother is found to be the primary care provider she is going to get custody almost regardless of what she has done. I'm not going to go into detail about my situation here, but it has some strong similarities to the OP. Every person I talked to said I'd get custody for sure, and then I talked to the lawyers and I found out that I didn't have a prayer.

IMO the system is incredibly biased against fathers. Based on the things the OP is saying, I think he should try to save his marriage. There appears to be love there. People make mistakes and can become stronger for them. Sometimes people make mistakes more than once. There is a very, very, very good chance that your kids will be better off and that both you and your wife will be happier in the long run if you work this out.

 

[Deleted member 848]

You definitely imagine wrong. If the mother is found to be the primary care provider she is going to get custody almost regardless of what she has done. I'm not going to go into detail about my situation here, but it has some strong similarities to the OP. Every person I talked to said I'd get custody for sure, and then I talked to the lawyers and I found out that I didn't have a prayer.

IMO the system is incredibly biased against fathers. Based on the things the OP is saying, I think he should try to save his marriage. There appears to be love there. People make mistakes and can become stronger for them. Sometimes people make mistakes more than once. There is a very, very, very good chance that your kids will be better off and that both you and your wife will be happier in the long run if you work this out.

this perspective might be important too. I really can't comment on divorce settlements whatsoever-- someone tag kicky in this thread. All I can do is comment on the human nature of not changing habits if they aren't met with consequences

 

[Deleted member 848]

So what you're saying is you know her more than she knows herself?

babe clearly don't know what schizophrenia is. Not a single schizoid symptom mentioned in this thread.

 

[Saint Cy of JFC]

Option 2 other than murder: Shave her head and make her walk naked through the streets of the closest major city while people throw food at her.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

I agree, and we talked about that a bit a while back. But I decided it wasn't going to work for me.

I've talked to her again and we have both decided it would best for everyone if we were to just move on.

Thanks everyone for the comments it actually really helped me figure out where I stand and what I should do. I think it will be better for me especially in the long run. I honestly never felt she loved me and she's pretty much agreed with that.

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Okay, disregard my previous post because this is a game changer. If she is not in love with you (and especially if she never has been) this relationship is not going to work. Keep the lines of communication with her open for the sake of your kids. Try to keep the lawyers out of it because I can tell you from experience that you will both get a worse deal once they are involved, and you might even find yourself in a situation where you and the mother of your children can no longer even communicate. Not good!

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

In Utah the woman will always get custody. I mean she could be a crackhead, abusive, adulterous, crook. She'll get custody and a nice child support check.

Sounds like she pulled the old send me through school and I'll leave when I'm ready to make my own money maneuver. Gotta hand it to her, it's an old trick but it works.

Unfortunately GF is right on the money here.

 

[Miggs]

You definitely imagine wrong. If the mother is found to be the primary care provider she is going to get custody almost regardless of what she has done. I'm not going to go into detail about my situation here, but it has some strong similarities to the OP. Every person I talked to said I'd get custody for sure, and then I talked to the lawyers and I found out that I didn't have a prayer.

IMO the system is incredibly biased against fathers. Based on the things the OP is saying, I think he should try to save his marriage. There appears to be love there. People make mistakes and can become stronger for them. Sometimes people make mistakes more than once. There is a very, very, very good chance that your kids will be better off and that both you and your wife will be happier in the long run if you work this out.

In any state the woman always has a huge upper-hand but that doesn't mean he couldn't win custody. Stoked's already used his own example to show that. To throw one's hands up and not try is sad imo. Also, maybe she will be the bigger person and relinquish custody to him knowing he's a good man. It doesn't mean she couldn't see them, even a lot. It just means she's aware he's a more stable figure in their lives and better for them.

More importantly, he should try to save his marriage because there appears to be love there? Getting drunk and banging a dude is a mistake. Getting drunk once every year and banging a chick are mistakes. Having clarity and choosing to see some rich dude for six months isn't a mistake. It's an affair that she consciously participated in time and time and time again because of how it made her feel. If she stays with her, she won't learn **** from it. She'll do it again. And again. And again. And their relationship will suffer which will affect the kids. One stable single-parent home is much better for kids than a dysfunctional duel-parent home. Research has shown this.

 

[Dr. Jones]

In any state the woman always has a huge upper-hand but that doesn't mean he couldn't win custody. Stoked's already used his own example to show that. To throw one's hands up and not try is sad imo. Also, maybe she will be the bigger person and relinquish custody to him knowing he's a good man. It doesn't mean she couldn't see them, even a lot. It just means she's aware he's a more stable figure in their lives and better for them.

More importantly, he should try to save his marriage because there appears to be love there? Getting drunk and banging a dude is a mistake. Getting drunk once every year and banging a chick are mistakes. Having clarity and choosing to see some rich dude for six months isn't a mistake. It's an affair that she consciously participated in time and time and time again because of how it made her feel. If she stays with her, she won't learn **** from it. She'll do it again. And again. And again. And their relationship will suffer which will affect the kids. One stable single-parent home is much better for kids than a dysfunctional duel-parent home. Research has shown this.

let it go bro, it was just once and you were a dumb college kid.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

She was a whore. She cheated on him multiple times. That doesn't mean she used him for her own academic and career advancement, twisting her mustache and hatching a plan. Because one is flawed in one way doesn't mean they're a complete POS in every other way imaginable.

I have yet to see a single situation where the cheating spouse did not start setting up a plan for their future in case they got caught, or once they decided to leave. I'm involved with a project that has to do with exactly this type of situation. Once they begin cheating on their spouse they always start justifying that it's okay in this particular situation. The spouse didn't earn enough money, or didn't tell them they were pretty enough, or something else. And once they do this they start looking out for themselves. They are no longer in a partnership so from their perspective it's okay to spend family money on themselves, to sabotage their spouse, etc. I could tell some nightmarish stories about this.

The really bad part is that the spouse who is being cheated on probably doesn't imagine that anything is going on, so while the cheater is processing the change and coming to terms with what it means in the arms of a new lover, the spouse who was loyal is going to get hit by a Mack truck and feel almost completely alone in the world, just like the OP.