spycam1
Well-Known Member
SALT LAKE TRIBUNE- Nov. 5
It's no secret that the Utah Jazz's (usual) star player, Gordon Hayward, has started off the season relatively slow, after a career best season in which he averaged 19.3 points per game. Following Wednesday's unexpected loss in the season's home opener to the Portland Trailblazers, things looked gloomy.
"Just a little bit of a slow start for me personally, but the team is playing well and that’s what I’m focused on,” Hayward said. “I’ll find a way to get it going and get back in the groove of things. Hopefully I can find it in this next game. But feeling good about where we’re at as a team. I just need to eat more Subway sandwiches."
Despite what's being called lackluster play by many, Hayward continues to receive praise from Head Coach, Quin Snyder:
“I’m not in the evaluate Gordon business,” Snyder said. “At least not after every game. Gordon’s established himself as one of the best players in the league. Every game’s going to present different challenges. If he continues to do what he's doing, and bring a few more churros to Denver, he'll be fine."
Whatever calm seemed to surround the Jazz organization concerning Hayward, however, was quickly evaporated when the Jazz made this official statement at a press conference early Thursday morning:
"It has come to our attention that not all is well with Gordon Hayward. He has suffered an injury of sorts; his talent has been stolen by little aliens from deep within the planet's core. Further investigation is under way. No further statements will be made at this time."
It is suspected to be the same aliens who stole the talents of Patrick Ewing and Charles Barkley, among others, in the 1990s.
Gordon's talent being stolen, among other defects, has left him even whiter than before.
But not to David Locke's (Jazz radio voice) distaste. "I'd still tap that," said Locke. "Ain't nothing wrong with a man white as snow, and nerdy as sin."
When asked on the matter, previous alien hunter, Micheal Jordan, replied, "I ain't going back down there. Gordon could have played for my Jeffercats, but since he's not, it's not my problem. Now I'm stuck watching Al ****ing Jefferson defend the pick and roll the rest of my life. No, Gordon can solve his own damn problems."
Naturally, news of Hayward's bizarre circumstances has taken the internet by storm.
"Hahahaha I told you! None of you listened to me," poster PG_AB replied on an online Jazz forum. "I told yall we should be worried about Hayward. He's had alien target written all over him since he was in 8th grade. Believe me, I would know. I watch these kids before they can even **** in a toilet without supervision."
"Lol @ the overreaction to Hayward," Cy posted. "Dude will be fine. Get the sand out of your poosays. 10 pics and stuff."
"Guys...," Zulu remarked. "BURKS!!!1!!"
"Time for my bae BJB to take over the Iron Throne of teh Utah tbphwymf <3" some Canadian **** said.
"3 wing lineup: NO COMMENT," said NAOS.
"Who will play SF????" inquired One Love. "Rudy???"
Gordon Hayward reached out to his fans on facebook:
"I understand the severity of this situation, and appreciate the support of my fans in this trying time. I realize now that Subway and Olive Garden aren't the answers. Neither is a new haircut and shave. What I really need are... CHURROS!!!"
Many have already responded to Hayward's call for Churro Power to reacquire his talent.
Gordon is currently listed as questionable for tonight's game against the Nuggets.
"We can win without [Gordon], ya know," said Gobert. "They don't have Allen Iverson, Melo, or any of those guys anymore. Maybe they don't have that clown, Javale, ****ing things up for them anymore, but they still suck. Am I really supposed to be afraid of Farried and Mudiay the turnover machine? Having said that, we really want Gordon back, so the people of Utah should GIVE HAYWARD ALL THE CHURROS YOU CAN TO RID HIMSELF OF THIS CURSE!!!"
-Gordon Monson
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