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My son's motorcycle accident

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I haven't been very active here and there are numerous reasons for that, but the past number of months we've had our attention divided with numerous different parental responsibilities, but most significantly dealing with our second-oldest son, a 14-year-old, who sustained a significant hand injury in a motorcycle accident. There have been many thoughts and feelings as we've gone through this process and I had finally written it out and posted this for family and friends, as they previously had known he'd been involved in an accident but didn't have a lot of specific details. With more time passing and having a much more clear idea on prognosis, I had drafted this to update them, but also to detail my experience going through this both as a parent but also as a professional. I feel that it captures numerous concepts in how I feel a lot of problems need to be assessed and addressed, and a lot of the emphases I put on these in my professional life but also in my training of others (residents and medical students). I feel this situation captures a lot of those elements and they aren't just relevant in a medical setting but are pretty broadly applicable to other situations but do also help inform a bit of context when so many strong opinions are present regarding medical care and so many people get so drastically opinionated about policy this-or-that which tends to fall on partisan lines, and often is a false dichotomy, with the real issues and solutions lying far out of the purview of public awareness. So, in any case, this was our experience:

On October 25, a Friday night, my (just about) 14-year-old son had been out at a friend’s house working on a school project and had taken his minibike there. My oldest (other) son had just gotten his license and he was going to take our 10-year-old to the gas station. My wife had needed me to distract my youngest two kids so my 16 and 10 year olds could slip out. I took the two of them in the backyard to jump on the trampoline. Shortly after this, I heard my wife yelling my name from inside the house and all I heard was something about how there had been an accident. We had just barely gone outside and I had assumed my oldest and third had just backed into something, as there really wasn’t time for them to go anywhere. When I got inside, my wife was on the phone and mentioned that my son, Ethan, was in an accident. She passed the phone to me and one of Ethan’s friend’s dad, whom I had not previously been acquainted with, was on the phone stating that Ethan had an accident with his hand and his bike and that his hand was really chewed up. He mentioned that he was on his way to take him to the hospital. I asked him where he was and where he was headed. My first thought in my mind was needing to know the severity and how to appropriately triage this so that he would go to a facility that had a better chance of having a hand surgeon on call. I tried to inquire how bad this appeared, to which it was hard to get a clarifying answer, other than it was “pretty chewed up.” He was heading to an ER closer to our house that had just opened, but that was a stand-alone ED and would not be helpful. I told him I could meet him where he was at so that I could take Ethan, to which I could hear Ethan yelling out in the background to just go to the hospital. I directed him to another hospital that was still as close, but I wasn’t certain if they’d have a hand surgeon available there, but there would be a better chance. I jumped in the car and had to suppress my feelings until I was able to get there any lay eyes on this to have a better idea of what was going on and what needed to be done. Ethan had texted me saying that he would send me a picture, but told me I “[couldn’t] show mom.” When I arrived, I had seen him with his friend and his friend’s dad at the check-in counter and he was dripping blood. I immediately asked the woman if there was an on-call plastics or orthopedic hand surgeon, to which she didn’t have an answer, and I figured she wouldn’t. At some point, I saw his hand and knew this was much more serious than just a hand injury or being “chewed up.” I can’t really describe what I was thinking, as there were so many possibilities running through my head, but I knew the most important thing I could be doing is securing his evaluation by a hand surgeon immediately, and had to suppress any hypothesizing on my own part. Deep down, I faced the reality that he may very well have his middle and index fingers amputated that night. He had complex lacerations to his three middle digits on his left hand (he’s right-handed). He had two parallel lacerations to his middle finger that left very little skin, with his middle phalanx exposed and fractured, with that entire digit in flexion with him being unable to move it. His index finger was almost entirely severed from the distal part of his middle phalanx and everything was dangling from a very small amount of skin on the medial side.

What we had later learned from Ethan was that he had stopped his motorcycle to check the tightness of his chain. While he was doing that, his leg had bumped the throttle cable where it inserted into the engine, engaging the throttle, and pulling his hand in the chain and in the sprocket and clutch. He was unable to get his hand free and had to manually roll the bike backwards to get his hand out. He called 911. He attempted to flag down three different cars that didn’t stop. The next person who drove by happened to be his friend’s dad.

Sometime after he had been checked in, and after I had reiterated that I needed to know if there was a hand surgeon on call, a nurse practitioner came out into the waiting area and I immediately reiterated that same question, to which she told me that they did have a hand surgeon on call. He was then immediately roomed. I sat there both knowing the severity of the situation and the possible outcome, but not being able to know enough specifics at that moment to be able to give any clarifying information to my wife, but knew she was going to be absolutely heart broken for him when she saw this. They had irrigated the wound and taken x rays but not yet administered anything for pain. He eventually ended up receiving multiple doses of morphine and hydromorphone over a short stretch of time with minimal relief. He declined anything for nausea as he had stated that the nausea was helping distract him from the pain. When the nurse practitioner returned to the room, she stated that she still couldn’t get a hold of the hand surgeon. I had been aware she had been texting over images to him (the radiographs, to my knowledge, and not the actual pictures of the hand [I’ll elaborate more on that later]). When she did get a hold of him, she stated that he couldn’t come in. I later found out that they didn’t really have a hand surgeon on call. They have someone that has hospital privileges there and that they can curbside consult on. Without getting into too much technicality on this, the bottom line was that I needed a facility that actually had a call schedule where someone was designated to be on call for that specialty, and specifically being bound by EMTALA, rather than a curbside consult. She then reassured and stated that worst-case scenario, they could splint him and the surgeon could see him in clinic on Monday. This was astounding to me because I then realized that the nurse practitioner did not understand the emergent nature of this situation and did not convey appropriate information to the surgeon and only radiographs (x rays) to give the impression that the problem here was ultimately an orthopedic problem, when in reality this is a vascular and tissue viability issue and if he waits until Monday (it was Friday), he’s going to lose those fingers.

I’ll hold off on the details surrounding this period of limbo, but long story short, they ended up making contact with the children's hospital where he could see a hand surgeon. He was taken via ambulance. My wife rode in the back with him and I followed. She had later told me that he had expressed to her that he was concerned that he was going to get his fingers amputated. That was hard to hear because I didn’t really have enough nuanced expertise to reassure him or myself but also knew that this was on the table and was possibly more likely than not, and not just one finger.

When we arrived at Children's, we were just taken to the ED to start the process over, though it was a bit quicker. After some amount of time, the fellow and the resident came in (for non-medical people, the resident is someone who has finished medical school and is in specialty training, the fellow is someone who has finished specialty training residency and is doing a fellowship in a sub-specialty [in this case plastic surgery]). I was very relieved to see this as it was the team we most needed to see from the outset and the team that could hopefully be able to bring a little clarity that would answer questions that I could only speculate on as of then. After watching the plastic surgery fellow silently complete his examination, I stood by the bedside as he gave his assessment. He stated the obvious with the complex lacerations on each finger, but started with the ring finger, mentioning that there’d been some extensor tendon damage that they’d be able to repair. He then moved to the middle finger, detailing the difficulty with closure and the type of fracture, but that they would be able to reduce the fracture, pin it, repair the extensor tendon, and close the wounds. The index finger, however, he described as being more of a crush injury, with a lot of missing tissue and not a clean cut at all to reattach this. This would need to be amputated proximal to the distal interphalangeal joint (losing about half of his finger). When he said this, I saw my wife briefly ball over in my periphery before regaining composure. I inquired regarding hypotheticals and, if they were to attempt to reattach it and it were to later fail, would that put us in a different situation other than the one we’re currently in, to which he seemed to indicate that it would not. It’s difficult to describe the thoughts at this time, as we were relieved that the other two fingers would ultimately be okay, but also concerned regarding the one that ostensibly wouldn’t be. Nevertheless, now that we knew a little more, it bought me some time to think about the approach we’d need to take with the surgeon regarding his index finger.

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After some small bit of time, I was going to return to the waiting area to update my dad, who had been there but wasn’t allowed in the room due to some two-visitor policy. As I was making my way to the lobby, I had passed the fellow physician who was on the phone with the attending, not realizing I had been in transit around him and eavesdropping. He was discussing his exam findings and his plan with precisely where they were going to amputate. From here on out, I could only anxiously wait to speak with the attending physician and see if there was more to know there and hopefully a better prognosis. It was at this point, now somewhere past midnight, that I was texting people asking them to pray specifically that they could find enough skin to be able to attempt to close that finger rather than amputate.

Herein enters my professional dysphoria and angst, to which I’m consistently discussing with residents and medical students in my day-to-day work on the ways that we really should be approaching problems and the unfortunate status quo of where we really are. In my clinical practice, I have a pretty high degree of tolerance for patient autonomy on issues that ultimately won’t impact the long-term course of what’s going to be managed. If there are pathways that I believe are essentially fruitless, but ultimately pose no long-term threat, I find it much more meaningful and impactful for the patient to be able to come to those conclusions through their own experience rather than appealing to, “trust me, bro,” and attempting to speed them through what is ultimately a grieving or acceptance process at an inorganic rate. In any case, our thoughts about wanting to delay amputation had little to do with a belief that somehow he would defy odds, or that we had some strong or misguided confidence that we just needed to “believe” and things would work for the best. Our thoughts were solely focused on the idea that whatever small the odds, expend those odds to the fullest extent before defaulting to the permanent option (amputation) if the process of playing those odds comes with no long-term harm. I definitely understand the perspective of the surgical team here, where something has such a small (or no) chance at viability, to advance quickly to definitive treatment, as it would cause some level of harm to keep someone in limbo, to give false hope, and to ultimately have to later go back and do the same thing. This is sort of the “pull the band aid right off” strategy to just get it done with and not put someone through a level of psychological torture to facilitate false belief for some extended period of time before letting them down. But herein lies the problem: in the event that he’s kept in limbo or has to undergo this emotional process before getting closure by later amputation, how relevant will that difficult period of time be to him a year from now, five years from now, 20 years from now? Will it at all be that relevant? Conversely, if in any case his finger survives that ordeal, how important will that be to him a year from now, five years from now, 20 years from now, or even 60 years from now? From that lens, the difference is staggering, even if odds of survival are less than 5% (a number only I’m using – we weren’t told anything other than non-viability), especially as the long-term consequences of a period of uncertainty with a resultant amputation becomes irrelevant after a relatively short period of time.

Our first meeting with the attending hand surgeon came as Ethan was being wheeled to the operating room. He had spoken briefly, looked at his hand for a moment or two, and asked if we had any questions. This was my cue and I knew that this was now the time that I had to deliver an argument for a certain course of action that would diverge from their recommendation of best practice. I had explained that I was a physician but I was not a surgeon, that my approach and practice is often atypical and unorthodox, and that when they get in the OR and look at the viability of his finger, that if there’s even a significantly small chance at viability, that even if that chance is less than 5%, that we would like to proceed in that direction now and cross further bridges when we get to them. He didn’t give any indication that this would or wouldn’t be the case, but it appeared more that he didn’t want to commit one way or another without being able to get in there and see it. Overall, at least directionally, it was more reassuring, if not exactly how we wanted it. We then were escorted to an empty waiting room, somewhere around 1:30 am, and we were in there for at least four hours. With lots of dead time to fill, it was difficult having it in the back of my mind wondering what was going on in the OR, or perhaps even what had already transpired. Had they amputated his finger? Just like earlier, I had to suppress this thought until we could get definitive answers. Sometime midway through, my wife received a call from one of the OR nurses updating, stating that they were attempting to save everything, which was good news, but also difficult to know what that meant, but at least they hadn’t amputated.

A couple more hours had passed and the attending surgeon had come out to speak with us. As he was walking some 35 or so feet from where he came into the waiting area to where we were, I don’t believe I’ve ever scrutinized body language more in my life than I had in that moment. He had looked up, given a partial, brief smile that indicated things seemed to have gone well (considering), but also contained enough hesitance that there appeared to be some reluctance in this having been anywhere close to ideal. He had pulled out a zip lock bag that contained a screw driver, some bolts, a pocket knife, and other random odds-and-ends. He stated that those were found in Ethan’s pockets. That moment provided a brief amount of comedic relief. He went on to explain what they did in the surgery. He explained the repair of his middle and ring fingers, but ultimately when he got to his index finger, he stated that he did not believe that there’d be viability there. He stated that maybe there had been a very minimal amount of turgor in the tissue, but that ultimately if it had been up to him, they would have clipped it and taken the finger that night. I don’t want to say that this was overtly passive-aggressive, but it was stated that they would have otherwise amputated but did this because we had requested this, and in not so many direct words, implied that this was on us and what we had chosen. He explained that what needed to happen now would be just watching, that its course is to necrose over the next week, that we’d need to watch the color and it would start to turn blue, then purple, then black, then eventually come off, but that we’d see him back in clinic in a week.

We arrived in the PACU while Ethan was waking up, though this took quite some time. His left hand had been splinted down to his wrist and all of his fingers had dressings on them that only left the tips of his fingers exposed. I could see the darker color of his index finger, particularly on the lateral portion (where it had been severed – it had really just been a small flap that was hanging on). I knew it was going to be a tough week as we were still in this period of waiting, ultimately for the inevitable, as we were told.

We went home and slept. Each time waking up, knowing the reality of the situation that was escaped briefly with sleep. From some points of view, this could be ridiculous as so many people have experienced so much worse, their realities are much more challenging, and all things considered, this situation itself could have been much worse. From a parental perspective, this was difficult. I had to accept that this was something he was, ultimately, going through alone. I’ve never been through something like this. I couldn’t imagine it for myself. I couldn’t imagine it for my son. There was no way for me to substitute myself and do this for him. Everything was out of my control and I was left an observer of a fate he did not want.

By the time Sunday morning rolled around, the coloring in the tip of his index finger (the only part we could see), looked normal, with the exception of a small area of slight blue/grey pallor on the lateral end, extending into his dressing to where we couldn’t see. His capillary refill was present and normal. I didn’t want to make any conclusion on that, and certainly didn’t want to convey a perception of viability to Ethan based on that finding, but I was happy to see that. As the days passed, the coloring of his finger remained normal, again with the exception of that area of pallor that never improved. I had only two pictures of his hand after the accident taken by different individuals and not from a medical perspective. I scrutinized those endlessly, looking at the anatomy of where his finger was severed and trying to correlate that with a speculation as to what the underlying tissue (that I couldn’t see under the dressing) was like currently, or trying to ascertain what the continued area of pallor may or may not have meant. Nevertheless, based on everything we’d been told to watch for, what we saw was nothing but positive. Ethan would continually ask me if I thought he was going to lose his finger. It was a difficult question to face. I would always reiterate that our strategy wasn’t because we believed this would ultimately work, but rather that we will be absolutely certain before we proceed in that direction. I tried to continually make sure he understood that that was where it stood, and that while things appeared better than what they said, I ultimately am not the expert in this particular situation and that their opinion was that it was certainly not viable. Essentially, we were just doing a “trust but verify” strategy.

As time passed, there was anticipation for his one-week follow-up. There was complicated emotion on my part from needing to know more and getting more clarity, or hopefully hearing something different, but also a level of desired avoidance for the inevitability of bad news or even the dreaded, “this is why you stay in your own lane and let the experts expert.” Equally, though, as each day passed and his finger (what little we could see) looked better and better (enough so that if there wasn’t any/enough perfusion to his distal tissue getting there, we would have definitely seen it by then). There had been a Tears for Fears concert in Las Vegas that I had previously really wanted to attend but because it had been wedged right in between us being elsewhere on weekends preceding and following that concert, it would have been too busy for us to go. As things seemed to be in a place where I would be more surprised if Ethan’s progress hadn’t bought him more time to see what would happen, I had inquired if he and my oldest were perhaps interested, conditionally, on attending this concert, and if it’d be something he’d like to do to take his mind of everything going on that week. It may have been implied to some degree, but I didn’t want him to see this as being wholly conditional on the outcome of his follow-up appointment, but that’s ultimately what it was. Within a day or two of his appointment, my anxiety surrounding it had gone away and I was able to make peace with it. Not making peace with a bad outcome, but making peace in realizing that there’s no way the recommendation can be to amputate his finger – at least not then.

That Friday morning, I took Ethan up to Salt Lake for his appointment. When we got in the car, whatever song had been on had ended and the first song to come on was “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears, which I internally chuckled to, hoping that it was a good omen. We first went to imaging to have an x-ray of his hand. This was my first look at anything under the dressing and I could see the lack of a tissue shadow on the x-ray, indicating, to me, no perfusion on a particular distal end of his finger, which started to have some of my concern start to build up, though his hand still wasn’t undressed so I hadn’t been able to lay eyes on it. We went up to his appointment from there. While we were being roomed, his surgeon was in the hall with his back to us, not knowing we were there. He was speaking with his colleague and, in only what I could assume was about Ethan, he stated, “I’m going to cut it down on the bone and hopefully have enough tissue to close,” but then had seen us and that conversation seemed to stall and then we were in the exam room. Of course, he could have been speaking about other issues, but the context of the discussion appeared consistent with this particular situation. We waited for some time in the exam room and now all of that calm that I had previously experienced had disappeared. I now knew the continued intentions of the surgeon, and perhaps he had already seen the x-ray and saw the same concerns. The time passed slowly and I knew that sometime relatively shortly I was going to know a lot more information, and knew that I was just a short time away from perhaps having all the information I didn’t want to know or acknowledge. The surgeon entered the room with a somewhat serious demeanor. He quite quickly mentioned he’d get the dressing off and take a look. Of course, he started with his ringer finger and proceeded in an order that built the suspense for his index finger being last. When he started undressing that, he instead suggested they do that over the sink, which seemed to tip his hand on what his expectations were. The dynamic of the conversation also switched. He started telling Ethan how his childhood friend had lost his finger in a similar accident with a four-wheeler. He went on to say that it didn’t affect him and he had a great life “because he was really good at skateboarding” or some such other thing. This was deflating as I understood where this was headed. As he was undoing the wrapping on that finger, he had asked Ethan if he was feeling queasy. Ethan stated that he was not, to which he kicked the stool underneath him and told him he could sit down if he starts feeling that way, then quickly suggested to him to preemptively sit down anyway. The dressing was off and his finger was very swollen and there was a delay in the surgeon’s response. He stated, with some suppressed bewilderment and perhaps quite a bit of surprise to himself, that it was alive, and spent some more time examining it.

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This was naturally a huge relief. The surgeon had stated that the lateral portion of his finger (where he had also been missing a lot of tissue from the injury, which was now a clotted, swollen, bloody mess, was eventually going to fall off and that we’d have to wait and see what happened after that. If it were to reveal exposed bone, it would be an issue to address but that we’d just have to wait and see what his body did. I inquired that in the event we found ourselves in that situation, if something like skin grafting would be on the table. He stated that it would, but then also mentioned that he would instead do a skin flap by sewing his finger into his palm for a number of weeks to help grow the tissue bed, so long as he had a live tissue bed when all the non-viable tissue came off. This was reassuring to hear but also frustrating. If this was the case now and on the table, why wasn’t this the case a week ago? Why was it always just cutting it off? In any case, we took this victory and I was able to be more open in conversation with Ethan on the way home than I had been previously about the process. I had been very open with him about the surgeon’s expectations (or lack thereof), which I hadn’t previously hidden from him, but definitely did not emphasize to the extent that they had. We went over to see physical therapy and I was too distracted texting updates to people who knew that being in this situation now wasn’t supposed to be the case. We bought the tickets for the concert then and started making plans for the weekend. We breathed a little easier for the moment and Ethan celebrated his 14th birthday that following Tuesday.

At his two week follow-up, the surgeon had asked how we felt it was looking. I stated without hesitation that I thought it was looking pretty good (contextually), as it did appear to have progressed since the last visit the week prior. When he looked at it, however, he inexplicably now seemed to reverse course from his statements the previous week. He stated that he was “not out of the woods” and that he was still concerned about that finger, indicating that he had always been concerned about that finger being able to survive. He reiterated to Ethan that whatever happens, he was going to be fine, told him he didn’t want him worrying about losing his finger, but more-or-less made it known that the reality was that this was just a matter of time but that the finger wouldn’t be viable. This was a huge gut-punch and there ended up being more silence as we all walked away from that appointment frustrated and baffled. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around what exactly it was the surgeon saw that made him walk back what he seemed to indicate the week prior.

His next appointment was scheduled for two weeks out. This was a welcome relief, as I felt it gave a bit more runway to see definitive changes and have a more clear idea of what’s happening by that point. I was taking daily progress pictures, trying to have consistent angles and consistent lighting to be able to compare. Some days appeared to have a lot of progress; other days seemed fairly static. I had watched the scabs around where his finger was reattached (nearly the entire circumference) for changes, wondering if there was true wound closure happening underneath. I still had a lot of questions because the one area of original pallor I had always assumed was dead skin that had remained hydrated but was non-living. I had wondered how much tissue (if any) was actually underneath that, as I knew it was a matter of time before that came off. I continued to worry about that next appointment and what would happen as the time drew more near. I spent countless hours having this occupy my mind, examining it, and comparing pictures through his progress. I tried to see this from the most negative lens possible, but as time went on, the idea that it was not viable continued to make less and less sense. Two or three days before this appointment, it was clear to me that this idea of it not being viable was a fantasy. I began to understand what was happening here and why that second appointment went the way it did. During his first appointment, he was caught completely off guard at what he saw and gave honest, unbiased reflections of where it was at. I don’t think he was prepared for that. By the second week, he had to have been clinging to the idea that his initial assessment had to have been correct. How does he reconcile the idea that he was going to amputate a 14-year-old kid’s finger because he definitely believed it was the best course of actions, yet here is that same kid whose finger needed no amputation? He would have permanently altered the course of that kid’s life as a result of mistaken confidence. I do understand his perspective that in a situation such as that, you can’t be paralyzed by always second guessing yourself and thinking about every long-term potential issue with every course of action you make. It’s not very conducive to clinical practice, and being confronted with a much more agnostic reality than the definitive pronunciations that were made is an incredibly challenging issue to reconcile. The doubts weren’t about the viability of Ethan’s finger, but rather a reaction to the suppressed conflict now manifesting as an inescapable reality. Anxiety about the appointment faded. Anything that was going to be said in the negative was self-preservation. The appointment was more funny than it was anything. And by funny, I mean it the way Norm McDonald meant it when he said something was “not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange like a Woody Allen marriage.” There was little mention of viability, almost as if intentionally avoided. We knew what his initial recommendation was. He knew what his initial recommendation was. He knew that we knew. We knew that he knew that we knew. It was the elephant in the room that was not acknowledged. When he looked at Ethan’s finger, he took a somewhat cynical view. He mentioned how there was “going to be a contouring issue here.” Yeah, contouring. Should have cut it off, right? He had to stop short of saying that his finger was going to make it and, like he initially predicted, that “he would be fine,” just for much different reasons that he initially said. Before the appointment concluded, Ethan then asked if he was going to have to have his finger amputated. The surgeon paused, thought, then said, “well… if it were to get infected… or if maybe… it weren’t healing the way we’d like… I mean, we could,” almost as if he were saying, “I mean, if you really want to, yeah, we can.” Yes. Definitely sign us up for that.

His next appointment was for another two weeks out. In the interim, Ethan was able to get all the skin to slough off and the scabs came off. Underneath all that, everything was completely intact! There were no open wounds. There was no doubt about closure, no infection, just minimal “contouring,” as the surgeon put it (which really wasn’t that big of a deal, especially all things considered). I was interested to see what the surgeon would say at that point but was also conflicted with how I would leave it with him. On one hand, we’re incredibly grateful because him being on call that night was exactly what we needed, and what transpired in that OR was the most we could have hoped for, and in hindsight precisely what needed to happen. The bitter taste in my mouth was that I don’t feel like it should have taken a physician father to push along something that’s done reluctantly, assuring failure. During this process, many people had said that they would have done exactly what we did. But this really is the part that bothers me, because this wasn’t ever on the table, it was never presented as an option, and had I not been able to put this in a relevant clinical context to be able to advocate for him, he would have walked out of that hospital without a finger. It disturbs me to know that some other kid in that situation gets an amputation. There are many ways in how we approach problems that need adjustment. There’s an experiential bias that happens in the pathway to becoming an expert. An example was when I had ruptured my achilles tendon right before residency and had this surgically repaired. I was baffled at the idea of being able to do this non-surgically. I won’t get into the details on that, but as I slowly had looked at this issue over the next two years, I had decided that, if I were to have gone back again, I would have done this non-operatively. Surgery is something that often makes it difficult to truly randomize in research. There was a long-standing belief that non-operative repair of achilles ruptures were inferior, as those relied on naturalistic and observational study designs and not true randomization. Only those with surgical contraindications got non-operative treatment, while all young and healthy individuals received surgery, skewing the results. So when two years later I ruptured my other achilles tendon, I had been met with significant resistance and lots of admonishment from the orthopedic surgeon when I insisted on doing it non-operatively. I did, ultimately, have a superior outcome on the non-operative side. Experientially, an orthopedic surgeon is going to see better outcomes with surgical management because they’re seeing much younger and much healthier populations for this intervention, and experience with non-operative care would not produce as robust results (conflating correlation and causation). Similarly, as routine would call for amputation in a case like Ethan’s, there would be what I would refer to as an “absence of availability bias” at play, as non-viability would be assumed and amputation would commence. But, as the famous Dr. Emmett Brown would say, “thinking fourth dimensionally” changes this equation. There’s a lot more I could say on that, but it would diverge too far from the point of this post surrounding my son.

I had felt it would be important for the surgeon to acknowledge the important reality of the survival of Ethan’s finger, as this experience should at least enter somewhere into the equation to introduce a small dose of agnosticism in what is otherwise viewed as a definitive process. But I do understand that such acknowledgement is not met without great resistance. I also wanted this to be balanced against all the things that they did right. The reality was, regardless of their opinion, that in that OR, they were able to utilize their experience and skills to repair Ethan’s finger to such a degree that it put him on a path of healing that included him being spared an amputation, and that all of their efforts to this end should be celebrated. But the surgeon did not convey such enthusiasm, and if anything more indifference or apathy, presumably as what embracing this positive outcome would ultimately mean and represent. At his 6 week appointment, the surgeon had been in the OR and ended up sending a resident, so I did not get to have this discussion with him. His next appointment was scheduled for January 10th, a little over a week ago. The first thing he had said to Ethan was, “that’s a weird looking finger!” We had to roll our eyes and suppress engaging in pointing out the patently obvious. As the appointment concluded, I had inquired if he would pass along to the fellow that saw us the night of his surgery, that his finger did indeed make it. I then stated that I knew there were significant doubts about viability that night, but that we were very grateful that they were able to do what they did and that Ethan was able to be here in this position as a result of that. There wasn’t anything more than a nod and an exit, as I’d imagine this is a very difficult case to swallow, especially as it can result in a lot questioning and doubt about what is true and a challenge to the way things had previously been perceived, but it was my best way of balancing my own harsh admonitions with gratitude of efforts. I really don’t believe they needed to have some unreasonable expectation regarding what would happen with Ethan. I also would have no objection to them simply stating the reality of what their prognosis was. My bigger issue was that my clinical reasoning was completely solid – and time has most certainly born that out, to where any argument to the contrary is now exposed as the true heresy – and the only thing needed was really an acknowledgement that we were pursuing a certain path because that path had no real consequences aside from time and another procedure, but had potential for significant, life-changing gains, even with slim odds. There is no reason to balk at that, and especially now from the other side.

Expert opinion is often necessary. We live in a world where those operating off this paradigm feel increasingly threatened. But though it is often necessary, it alone is not sufficient. This world is more complex than can be distilled down to that little paradigm. Larger doses of agnosticism, as opposed to self-assured certainty, is so much needed.
 
So glad for son. Thanks for sharing.

Reading that made me think about what happened with my mum and how let down I felt by the hospital. From the minute she arrived her health declined until she died and all the while interventions that may have prolonged her life were refused by surgical teams. In the first few weeks I dont think I advocated strongly enough I can't shake the feeling and guilt that I failed her.
 
Great posts. I'm incredibly happy for your family and especially your son. That would have been life-altering, no doubt, but being a non-dominant hand it would have been easier to adjust to, but for a kid that's small consolation when really the most difficult adjustment would be psychological. Playing devil's advocate, I'm sure the doctors were operating off of statistics, professional expertise, likelihood of positive outcome, avoiding possible really bad complications, like sepsis, however remote, and not a small modicum of self-preservation where a bad outcome could lead to lawsuits and major life disruptions for them and the patient. Having had more than my fair share of medical procedures I think most experts of this sort are wanting the best possible outcome while also playing the odds. But in the end you did the right thing. I learned that early on in my cancer treatment when my doctor sat my wife and me down and told us somewhat sternly that no one cared as much about my recovery as we did, including all the doctors and nurses we would encounter, no matter how well-meaning. He said we need to fight for what we need, and encouraged us to call him out personally if we felt like he wasn't giving us the answers we needed. He said for us to never hesitate to scream and yell for what we need. Having been at times accused of being overly-assertive (I know hard to believe right?) I made full use of that advice and at least 3 times we felt like we got different treatment than we would have if we hadn't been assertive about it. But not everyone gets that advice, or has the wherewithal or presence of mind to use that advice, or the assertiveness, and so they default to following the advice of the expert. I'm very glad you didn't and that you spoke up, and yes your son is very lucky his father has that expertise.

As to your larger point, couldn't agree more. To rif on that a bit, I feel we have reached a point where certainty abounds especially where that agnosticism would serve us best. Yet everyone hears whatever "expert" they choose to listen to and accepts what is said as infallible, as long as it is accompanied by a healthy dose of confirmation bias. But any and all experts outside of that sphere of confirmation bias are to be shunned. It's the primary symptom of the disinformation age we live in now. We certainly could use a little more agnosticism in this regard.
 
Thanks for sharing @infection. As a father, I can relate to your pain and worry as you and your family navigated that.

In the end, I believe and hope that your knowledge and challenge for the surgeon with this circumstance saved the finger of a future child as well. Thank you for that.

Saddens me to know that I likely wouldn’t have been able to ask the surgeon to save my child’s finger had I been in your shoes. Your experience played a large part in this.

My best to you, yours and Ethan.
 
man what a story. Kudos to you and your family for the courage and resilience shown. Some important issues, and events that no parent would ever want to go through. All the best for the continued health of your son.
 
So glad for son. Thanks for sharing.

Reading that made me think about what happened with my mum and how let down I felt by the hospital. From the minute she arrived her health declined until she died and all the while interventions that may have prolonged her life were refused by surgical teams. In the first few weeks I dont think I advocated strongly enough I can't shake the feeling and guilt that I failed her.
It's a tough situation, I'm sure. The agnosticism goes both ways, though, and it's hard to say what would or wouldn't have happened if you had, but it's easier said than done on not blaming yourself. I do believe health is one thing that ties people to identity and meaning, and its intersection with science, or the perception thereof, distorts a lot of what we see as being reality. I know this sounds a bit vague, but for instance consider that water puts out fire. That's true. But while it's directionally true that water puts out fire, using a Super Soaker on the California wild fires won't work. As humans we are able to appreciate that scale. When we dig into things that we are infinitely less familiar with than fire and water, we tend to not be able to appreciate or understand scale, and we tend to blame (or credit) ourselves in the same way that someone failing to launch a water balloon into the fire may think he could have prevented it, or the guy who stayed in his back yard with the garden hose when the fires went out, knowing that it was really him that did it. Our natural inclination is to superimpose meaning on something (whether in the positive or the negative) and as a result we end up with things like guilt or blame, and these are small examples of the ways perception of medicine and science can tear apart families and society because we don't truly appreciate how ignorant we really are. That doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with.
 
Hows the lad travelling now by the way?
He's actually doing great! At his last appointment, two weeks ago tomorrow, he was taken out of the splits and cleared for full activity as tolerated. I'll post some pictures a little farther down (it's difficult because I have a million pictures to sift through on my phone to get to the right ones and I've tried to load them on my computer to do it easier but I'm having some trouble at the moment because they're not coming over as jpgs.
 
Okay, here are the images of his hand. I’m going to put them in spoilers for people who can’t handle seeing the initial injury:


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This was taken by my son in the waiting area of the first ED. He's not showing the full angle here to truly get an appreciation for how bad this was. If his hand were to have been opened up more (he couldn't extend his fingers because of the tendon injuries), you would see that the gap in his index finger cuts all the way through. From this vantage point, it obscures seeing how it is entirely separated. Underneath that black circle on the pad of his index fingertip, there's nothing and it's open space all the way through his finger. On his middle finger, the flexion that it's in is hiding the open fracture of his middle phalanx.
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This picture gives a somewhat different vantage point but still incomplete. The index finger is covered in blood, but if you were to draw some angles in here, it will illuminate what's going on. Ignore the finger tip completely. Follow the more proximal part of his finger until it is resting on that surface. In fact, let me do that as we speak:

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This demonstrates in discontinuity of his finger, as those two lines should be overlapping with each other, showing that the end of his finger is just a flap. This is demonstrating that, though the first image looked like it was just the tip, the plane of the cut moved all under his nail bed to beyond that knuckle.

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This one I've highlighted the edges of the wound on the other side to give you an idea of the small area his finger was hanging on by. If you look below this, you see a second laceration, as well, as that was really fileted into three pieces.

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These are pictures from just a couple days ago. This is what they were saying amputate for because it wouldn't be viable and this looks pretty damn good to me. Especially all the dumb comments from the surgeon on a "weird looking finger" or "contouring" issues. In the one from the back of his hand, his fingernails had both come off and he also had nail bed injuries, so the nail that's growing back on his middle finger, on the distal part of it, is malformed but proximally looks fine so that just needs to grow out. The index finger is a bit behind that in terms of timeline but we'll see as the nail grows out more.
 
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This is a random one in the middle of recovery I meant to post to show how that area of concern looked in the middle of everything.
 
I really could have done without looking at those photos. I cant imagine what that would have been like to deal with at the time. Your sons a tough kid.
 
I really could have done without looking at those photos. I cant imagine what that would have been like to deal with at the time. Your sons a tough kid.
I've never struggled with any blood or open body issues and obviously seen a lot of that in the past, but it was difficult looking at these photos initially because it was him. After a few days when I could only see his finger tips in the splint, I had to look at the photos and it was really hard. Now it doesn't bother me as much because I know the outcome. But him being alone when this happened was really hard on my wife, especially as he tried to flag down three different people who didn't stop (it was on a relatively quiet residential road). I can't imagine the amount of pain that he felt, and the fact that his hand was stuck in it and he didn't have any way of getting it out besides rolling the bike backwards.
 
I've never struggled with any blood or open body issues and obviously seen a lot of that in the past, but it was difficult looking at these photos initially because it was him. After a few days when I could only see his finger tips in the splint, I had to look at the photos and it was really hard. Now it doesn't bother me as much because I know the outcome. But him being alone when this happened was really hard on my wife, especially as he tried to flag down three different people who didn't stop (it was on a relatively quiet residential road). I can't imagine the amount of pain that he felt, and the fact that his hand was stuck in it and he didn't have any way of getting it out besides rolling the bike backwards.


I'm ok with it in person, been involved in hundreds of trauma calls but for whatever reason hearing people talk about it and sometimes photos, just don't wanna look. I can imagine, thinking of a young kid in that situation, on top of that, nobody helping, especially as a parent would be very upsetting. Glad his had a good outcome tho, is he still doing rehab for it?
 
I'm ok with it in person, been involved in hundreds of trauma calls but for whatever reason hearing people talk about it and sometimes photos, just don't wanna look. I can imagine, thinking of a young kid in that situation, on top of that, nobody helping, especially as a parent would be very upsetting. Glad his had a good outcome tho, is he still doing rehab for it?
I can't say he ever really did rehab for it. The first appointment was up in Salt Lake, which is like a 35 minute drive from where we're at, and since he was being seen (initially) every week by the surgeon, the appointments were kept up there until he had weeks that he wasn't seen by the surgeon. He was supposed to be doing therapy at a place somewhat closer (20-25 minutes or so) but had a bad experience there (therapist was too aggressive and physical with him, not understanding the severity of the actual trauma), so my wife just had him keep going up to the SLC therapist, but less frequently. He never really did much of the assignments they gave him and we'd always have to yell at him. It frustrated my wife because the therapist always thought he was doing great and making good progress (he was) and assumed that he had been working with stuff and my wife kept wanting to throw him under the bus about it, but he did remain fairly active in doing other things that rehabbed it without it being "official." He's been working on his bike recently and got it back up and running (he tore a lot of stuff apart and repaired it since the accident) and just a few days ago rode it again for the first time. His plan was to fix it up and sell it and buy a bigger bike. Apparently one of his friends wanted it so that same day he got it running he also ended up selling it.
 
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