Thanks for the positive comments from some of you. My post and your private comments to it made me wonder whether or not I could find my post here on the board about my brother's suicide nearly four years ago, just five days after it happened. I'll post it here again now since it's on topic. While I would change the wording of it some, I still feel exactly the same.
"Okay, so I'll preface all this by saying I realize I am a complete dumbass on this board. I realize that but what I am about to say is 100% true. It happened. And I can only hope it will be read, pondered on, and taken to heart. Truly taken to heart. For some it may hit close to home. If it does, I apologize in advance. However my intentions are pure. I post it because I truly hope someone here reads it, and in some way, today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year, can turn it on end and into something positive.
On Friday night, my brother took his own life with one of his guns. He was 39. He was a great-looking man who taught like myself, though high school, and was extremely talented and passionate. He was extremely intelligent, went to a very good, 300+ year old college (I believe at the time he matriculated, it was the most selective college in the country--not that that's a tell-all but you get my point), was hard-working to a fault (had two Masters and always worked night jobs), was in amazing physical condition, was an amazing coach, very good rock climber who tackled the Gunks in NY which I think had 5-10's or 5-11"s he conquered for those of you who know what I'm talking about, a surfer of decent ability, great cook, and talented musician who had his own CD produced and put on I-tunes, though if I'm being honest probably doesn't mean much and wasn't my cup of tea. He had so, so much going for him. But he still took his own life.
I mention this because the signs were there. Despite all his amazing qualities, he was volatile. Though he was intense 24/7, almost no one other than myself or my parents probably saw it kicked up a few more notches into a scary side, and it was for this reason he and I didn't speak. We were probably only on speaking terms for about four out of the last 10 years. Out of my choice. Over that time, he had three different blow-ups after which I told my mother, "I don't need to be around that. I don't need that around my future children. His drama's ridiculous." It wasn't simple anger. He was complex and went through some things in his life which ultimately led to his demise. I said to my parents that he was a tortured soul who was always chasing something he couldn't find. And hell, I've thought that about him for years.
Again, the warning signs were there. I had literally said to my parents and a few other people that he'd probably take his own life or someone else's at some point. Thank God the latter didn't happen. And while I had essentially removed myself from his life, I can't help but feel some feelings of regret. Regret that I could have at least once called him or sent him an email trying to help. If I'm being honest with myself, I doubt he would have listened. But in my heart, I know I was the one he always unconditionally loved. Not my parents for childhood reasons which my brother never got over. Me.
But I did nothing about it. Others still can. Some of you may know someone who you believe needs help but like my brother doesn't want it. So what. Try. Be persistent. Be there for them full of love in your heart and try. Have others do the same. It can't hurt.
Maybe that's not totally true. Had my parents, specifically my dad really, been too persistent in trying to reach out, I think he may gone after my father. Knowing that rage was within him probably held me back from trying myself. I didn't want to be at the end of his barrel. But everyone is different. Use your best judgment, try (there are so many ways one can try) at least once to help a loved one or someone who you may not even be that close to who you feel needs a helping hand. I'm not saying to pity them. Pity is ******** and offensive and people can see it a mile away.
I don't want anyone to pity me. It is what it is. Volatile people do volatile things especially when other elements which I'd rather not divulge are involved. But do the right thing and reach out to people when you think they need the help.
Do the right thing.
I love you brother."
Man, that was a very very touching post for me, because, I have almost the same brother problem. I've shared some stories about him here before but generally I've talked behind him badly. But this post of you certainly hit me in the head and in the heart.
He's my younger brother who is turning into a grown but very complicated man slowly the last few years, but of course he is still a child, my little brother in my eyes. (No matter how evil he is in his acts.)
He's not as accomplished as your brother was by any means, although he could have done many things if he had a proper childhood and family. People around us call me the achieved one but to be honest, he is maybe ten times smarter than me. His expertise is computers, hacking to be exact. By his words, now he fights against the immoral things and crimes on the internet. But long before now, when he was just a junior in high school, he had already become a leader for his peers and almost a legend among the hacking community.
However those were also the years that we both were in deep ****. Maybe it was because we had the weirdest and messed up childhood. Otherwise, there is just no way that he could have strayed into bad ways. It's the same for me. Growing up parent-less was pretty hard. We lost our mother when we were so little and our father was far away from us most of the time. We were literally raised by a religious family sect that always had very strict rules and discipline(!). In short, besides our grandma, we never had anything close to a real, loving child care. We never had any real answers or teachings and always learned everything the hardest way.
Anyway, I can't and don't want to go into that much with our childhood and family, but at the end, I went right into the drugs swamp and he went right into the gambling and online fraud-ing. That's how he actually started with computers in the beginning. Later on, I could barely save myself, completely thanks to my luck, but my brother went very deep into his thing and he developed some serious bad relationships, which unfortunately he still suffers of .
But the thing is, I couldn't protect him and stand by him. Instead, I always blamed him, I defamed and insulted him. After all, I was saved and I was the saint one. We had always brawls and fights, some of them very serious, for instance, I still carry a scar from his army knife on my back. We forgot all the good memories from our childhood and brotherhood and became almost two notorious enemies. But I'm afraid, all the fights, insults, enmity, grudge and so forth between us simply made him just worse. So worse that one day he could beat and rob an old and sick man, our father. That was the day I expelled him out of our life completely and just cursed him.
But while all this happening over the years, I absolutely knew that he was completely a different person inside. He was in pain, he was suffering, feeling guilty. He was trying to save himself, he was trying to change the things. I knew because, we were alike, very much. I could see it in his eyes, he was helpless, asking for help only violently, or other times maybe silently. But we were just too proud, I didn't offer him my help and he didn't ask for it directly.
Anyway, about ten months ago, our father passed away. I was devastated when I got the news but after I could clear my head a bit, I immediately thought about my brother. Because the last time he saw the old man, he had just beaten him up. The bad news could just shatter him I thought, and I couldn't even imagine the regret he might have had, apparently it was once again going to be another very hard learned lesson for him. So, since I wasn't sure if he could bear it, I wanted to tell him the news face to face. I called him and said that our father was sick, but it was serious and he might pass away so he should come over to see him. I told him that it could be the last chance for him to apologize to dad. But what my brother said to me was the cruelest thing I've ever heard in my life. He said
"Gelemem, cehenneme kadar yolu var!",
"Can't come, he can go to hell!".
At that moment, I just wanted him to suffer so bad, so I told him the truth straight away. I got a few seconds of silence as a response and then he hung up the phone. Later, my uncle called him to inform about the funeral but he said he didn't want to come. I knew he wouldn't after that point.
Since that time, we have talked only for once, briefly about a legal business. His voice was simply lifeless. I couldn't even ask him about how he was doing. But I am asking to the common friends from time to time about him and hearing that he is like just what I think he would be. They are saying that now he is completely withdrawn and silent more than ever, he doesn't speak to anyone most of the time. He sleeps all day long with sleeping pills and alcohol and stays awake all night on his computers. They recently said that he even sold away his motorbike, which was the most valuable thing for him.
I have also learned that he was considering to join to the army for his military service to recuperate himself. Honestly, I've been confounded with horrible thoughts in my head since I learned that plan of him. Because I just can't think him with a riffle in his hands 24 hours a day for a full year. If he joins the army with his current state of mind, I know it wouldn't be a surprise for me to receive a phone call one day, informing me that he blew his head off during a night shift. Plus, he's not the military type, I know that for sure. He's just too free spirited, stubborn, rebellious and quick-tempered. He can't be commanded ever. And it would be specifically hard for him to be in the army with his current education level. Because he would be just an ordinary private since he didn't have higher education. And there will be many idiots over him and commanding him in the army. He's just way too smart, intelligent and sophisticated for that. So I also wouldn't be surprised if I get a phone call one day that saying my brother has just butchered the entire squad of his with a machine gun. So, him in the army is one of the worst ideas in the world. I feel like I have to do something to prevent that.
Anyway, just too much of my drama, this time. So, I apologize for that.
But, QuinSnydersHair, your post has just touched my sore spot. I'm hundred percent sure that your intentions were pure as you said and I could gladly say now that your post has fully served to that intentions in at least my case. I was having a subtle urge for weeks or maybe months now, to do something about my brother, like at least trying to communicate with him but I was just too angry(still I am tbh) and too proud to take any action. But after reading your affective story, I think I will act on my worries as soon as possible and will try to reach out my brother at the very least.
So, once again, in public, I sincerely thank you, for sharing such a moving story of you with us. It was definitely very heartening, warning and encouraging.
