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Three Things That Have Happened To You

1) arrested for suspected terrorism
2) abducted at gunpoint
3) between me and wilt chamberlain, we have slept with over 20,000 women.
 
1. As a high school sophomore, I permanently broke a bone in my back.
2. While on my mission, I literally got so sick I passed out and **** myself.
3. I had my car stolen while at high school football practice by the family of a teammate.
 
E.J. Wells said:
This is easily the best post of the thread.
Click to expand...

Oh you think he meant they were literally between him and Wilt?

I don't think he was being quite so literal.

But hey, if it floats your boat...


I'm trying to think of 3 things now...

When I was 13 or 14 I told a guy I'd met at the Art Museum that I was 19 so he'd take portfolio photos of me. So I went to his studio with him but it looked pretty shady so I said I had to go to the bathroom and left.

I got held up at gunpoint at work when I was in high school but I thought it was a fake gun and that the guy was just trying to impress me or something. Then he ran out when he noticed some cops outside. Turned out it had been the real deal.

I may have shared that one before. I'm old and can get confused. There, that's three!
 
infection said:
1. A little over a year ago we took a trip to Hawaii with my parents. As we were getting off the plane I saw a guy standing in the jetway that looked really familiar. After a minute or to I realize it was Rob Schneider. I tell everyone and they're like "Yeah, okay, let's go get our rental car."

2. Few days later we were on the north shore and my wife wanted to stop at a farmers' market. While waiting in the car our oldest had to go to the bathroom so I took him in. While standing there I again see Rob Schneider. I take note of who he's with (a baby and a Latina woman) to see if it matches with his bio. Apparently he's married to some Latina newscaster and had a kid in the past couple years. Again tell everyone I saw Rob Schneider. By this point, they must think I've got an obsession with this obscure celebrity.

3. While at the airport, my dad jokes to me to keep an eye out for Rob Schneider. Didn't see him. While at baggage claim at LAX I see that ******* again. This time I turn around and grab my dad's attention. He realizes it was Rob Schneider all along.
Click to expand...

You don't post much for me to remember anything about you. Not being a dick, it's actually a compliment that you're not a drama queen.... Anyway, I just recalled that you're the dude who went to Philly and posted a kick *** thread about it.

I'm really writing this because *sometimes* posts like this have to be validates as from a real dude.
 
In chronological order...

1. I spent 7 of my first 21 years living in Europe (Austria and Germany). Bonus item: while a kid in Austria I got to participate in the "Cub Scout Olympics", held in the Olympic stadium in Munich. There were probably around 500 cub scouts participating and I think I won a gold medal and three bronzes. Pretty much the pinnacle of my athletic prowess. Go figure.

2. In high school I had a very high GPA, did extremely well on the SAT, had taken many AP classes and got nearly all 5's on the AP exams. Thinking I was bound for Harvard or MIT or someplace like that, I (somewhat jokingly) told my parents, "If God wants me to go to BYU I'll get a full ride scholarship there, and I won't get in anywhere else." That's exactly what happened. So I went to BYU. :-)

3. I was once prevented from getting into an elevator by James Brown's bodyguard. I didn't actually know that's why the guy wouldn't let me on until after the elevator doors closed and the person standing next to me said, "Did you see that? That was James Brown in the elevator!"
 
colton said:
In chronological order...

1. I spent 7 of my first 21 years living in Europe (Austria and Germany). Bonus item: while a kid in Austria I got to participate in the "Cub Scout Olympics", held in the Olympic stadium in Munich. There were probably around 500 cub scouts participating and I think I won a gold medal and three bronzes. Pretty much the pinnacle of my athletic prowess. Go figure.

2. In high school I had a very high GPA, did extremely well on the SAT, had taken many AP classes and got nearly all 5's on the AP exams. Thinking I was bound for Harvard or MIT or someplace like that, I (somewhat jokingly) told my parents, "If God wants me to go to BYU I'll get a full ride scholarship there, and I won't get in anywhere else." That's exactly what happened. So I went to BYU. :-)

3. I was once prevented from getting into an elevator by James Brown's bodyguard. I didn't actually know that's why the guy wouldn't let me on until after the elevator doors closed and the person standing next to me said, "Did you see that? That was James Brown in the elevator!"
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, I hereby limit you to only two items. Choose wisely. I'll judge.
 
1) Peed my pants when I was in 7th grade at a Youth Campout trip thing while snowboarding at Powder Mtn. It was like my 5th time snowboarding and I thought I was a bawse (cuz I was). I had to pee way bad and had no idea where the lodge was, so I decided to just go off into the trees. Powder was deep, and I ended up falling and getting stuck. I was trapped and struggling to get out, and I couldn't hold it anymore.

A voice popped into my head, "just let it go man." So let it go I did.

I felt instant relief, but felt wet and weird the rest of the day obvi. When we got back to our cabins I sprayed a ton of Tommy Hilfiger Cologne on the pants to cover up the pee smell. Didn't work lol. Decided while doing this that I should just spray tonz of cologne on all of my snowboarding stuff to give it a matching scent (or smthng) horrible horrible idea.

2) When I was like 8 years old I jumped into my Grandpas Golf Cart he had parked in his garage and pretended like I was driving it. The golf cart was on and charging, and when I hit the gas the cart went flying into the wall and destroyed all of the cabinetry and the wall. Also destroyed my sisters rollerblades in the process.

3) When I was like 21 I was in Las Vegas, Nevada, heavily intoxicated, and met this babe at like 4 AM and was like, "hey lets go to eat somewhere"

and she was like "nah"

and I was like, "Lets go to a nice buffet"

and she was like, "Ok whatever but it better be nice".

I had about $35 left (dat Vegas doe) and so I told her to wait where she was and I would be back in 2 minutes and we'd go get some food. During these 2 minutes I made my way to Casino War to quickly double up and have enough cash for 2 buffets. I lost, and was left with $0 USD.

I came back and was like, "Ok, we're good to go."

Much to this gals dismay, we walked straight to McDonalds, and I went inside and asked a woman if she would pls buy a down on his luck guy like me a Sausage McMuffin. She obliged, and even agreed to deliver it to me and my sweetie outside when it was ready.

As I sat there sharing a McMuffin on the curb with a kind of mad girl, I couldn't help but think to myself, "This sucks."

Then, EVERYTHING changed.

A black Bentley 4 door pulled into the Mickey D's parking lot directly in front of us, and out popped none other than Rasheed Wallace. RASHEED MF'in WALLACE!!! Of all the Mcdonalds's in all the Las Vegas's, he came waltzing into mine at 4 in the AM.

I went semi-bezerk (dat booze doe) yelling Sheed's name, asking for high fives, doing an announcer voice thing...RASHEEEEEEEED WALLLLLLLAAAACCCEEEEEE!!!!!

Sheed didn't give me the time of day, I think some dude in his entourage threatened me, and only one other dude in all of the restaurant even knew who Sheed was, but needless to say still one of the 3 GREATEST STORIES OF MY LIFE!!!

Also.....

Made out with that girl and pretty sure she gave me Mono.

*BONUS STORY* I've got 2 holes in one in golf and no matter what, Colton can never reduce, cap, or otherwise take those away from me!!!
 
UGLI baby said:
1) Peed my pants when I was in 7th grade at a Youth Campout trip thing while snowboarding at Powder Mtn. It was like my 5th time snowboarding and I thought I was a bawse (cuz I was). I had to pee way bad and had no idea where the lodge was, so I decided to just go off into the trees. Powder was deep, and I ended up falling and getting stuck. I was trapped and struggling to get out, and I couldn't hold it anymore.

A voice popped into my head, "just let it go man." So let it go I did.

I felt instant relief, but felt wet and weird the rest of the day obvi. When we got back to our cabins I sprayed a ton of Tommy Hilfiger Cologne on the pants to cover up the pee smell. Didn't work lol. Decided while doing this that I should just spray tonz of cologne on all of my snowboarding stuff to give it a matching scent (or smthng) horrible horrible idea.

2) When I was like 8 years old I jumped into my Grandpas Golf Cart he had parked in his garage and pretended like I was driving it. The golf cart was on and charging, and when I hit the gas the cart went flying into the wall and destroyed all of the cabinetry and the wall. Also destroyed my sisters rollerblades in the process.

3) When I was like 21 I was in Las Vegas, Nevada, heavily intoxicated, and met this babe at like 4 AM and was like, "hey lets go to eat somewhere"

and she was like "nah"

and I was like, "Lets go to a nice buffet"

and she was like, "Ok whatever but it better be nice".

I had about $35 left (dat Vegas doe) and so I told her to wait where she was and I would be back in 2 minutes and we'd go get some food. During these 2 minutes I made my way to Casino War to quickly double up and have enough cash for 2 buffets. I lost, and was left with $0 USD.

I came back and was like, "Ok, we're good to go."

Much to this gals dismay, we walked straight to McDonalds, and I went inside and asked a woman if she would pls buy a down on his luck guy like me a Sausage McMuffin. She obliged, and even agreed to deliver it to me and my sweetie outside when it was ready.

As I sat there sharing a McMuffin on the curb with a kind of mad girl, I couldn't help but think to myself, "This sucks."

Then, EVERYTHING changed.

A black Bentley 4 door pulled into the Mickey D's parking lot directly in front of us, and out popped none other than Rasheed Wallace. RASHEED MF'in WALLACE!!! Of all the Mcdonalds's in all the Las Vegas's, he came waltzing into mine at 4 in the AM.

I went semi-bezerk (dat booze doe) yelling Sheed's name, asking for high fives, doing an announcer voice thing...RASHEEEEEEEED WALLLLLLLAAAACCCEEEEEE!!!!!

Sheed didn't give me the time of day, I think some dude in his entourage threatened me, and only one other dude in all of the restaurant even knew who Sheed was, but needless to say still one of the 3 GREATEST STORIES OF MY LIFE!!!

Also.....

Made out with that girl and pretty sure she gave me Mono.

*BONUS STORY* I've got 2 holes in one in golf and no matter what, Colton can never reduce, cap, or otherwise take those away from me!!!
Click to expand...

i tried..
 
One time I bounced this pretty hot chick and her weird friend outta duh club. I was married & was doing this to to get some friends laid. I'm an upright good dude like that. I actually thought they were lesbian lovers at first, so you know I had to find out for sure. Turns out they were sisters. Turns out the hot chick and her sister both wanted the d pretty bad and I needed an excuse to get away without offending my new guests at my friend's house. It was January and like 25 below freezing with six feet of snow on the ground, and I came up with this genius excuse that I was a national fire fighter and just got called out to a forest fire in California. Faked the phone call and all, and had the ride set up to shuffle me off to the airport.

Now I've left the sisters hot and bothered, and the hot one obliges my intentions by screwing my buddy. She heads with him up to his stinky *** room and immediately pukes from the stench.
 
1) Sharted three times. Once while playing pickup football in the streets. Once in me and MsSerp's bed after about six months of dating. A tiny stain. She laughed 'cause she's cool like that. And once during a college summer job while working at a deli. I knew it had happened, went upstairs to the bathroom, took off my boxers, threw them in the trash, and free-balled the rest of the day. I don't recall if I washed my hands or not. Probably though.

2) Sold my strength shoes...ya know, these...

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...to this guy...

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Basically, I was poor and selling a ton of stuff on ebay. Some guy (that guy) won the bid for my strength shoes and left me a message on how to get them so I called him back. After a minute or two on the phone, he tells me to hold on...I could tell he was entering his work place and showing his id...and he told me so, so I asked him where he works, and he said CNN. And I was like Get out! He said he did again so I asked what he did, and he said he was a sports anchor and I was like GET THE **** OUT!!! So I basically told him to prove it...He said he worked that night and would be on tv from like 11pm-7am or something. I told him to reference the strength shoes that night and he said he would...I think it was Yao's first game ever against another big player. Shaq maybe? So I set up my VCR, taped those hours and finally saw him around 2am...The first highlight was the Yao game and he didn't say anything and I was disappointed. The next game he highlighted though was a Suns game and this was when Amare was nasty (another spy plug) and he had a killer dunk and Overmyer was like, That boy must've been wearing his strength shoes or something!!! It was so cool. He had emailed me that morning too to ask if I saw it and I replied back saying how epic it was.

3) When I was five or six years old, I had a really bad friend (he reminds me of Culkin in The Good Son in hindsight)...we went walking through the woods behind his house and came out a little over a quarter mile away by this major road. It was probably about 2pm and I think it was a Saturday but I couldn't be sure now almost 35 years later, and anyway, there was a tire sitting there on the side of the road and he dared me to roll it into the highway...the speed limit was/is 55mph there so it was a pretty major road. Anyway, being the little bitch that I was at the time, I did, and I remember this car slamming on their brakes, and a woman getting from behind the driver's seat and screaming at me, and we took off back into the woods, to his house, and then I went home shortly after. My dad had told me not to wander from his home and somehow he got it out of me that I had and I told him what I did. He gave me a damn good spanking and I knew I deserved it.

4) That same evil kid, a couple years later, in 3rd grade, in the middle of a quiz or something, sharpened his pencil, came over to my desk and asked to see my palm, and proceeded to stab my palm with his pencil. Suffice it to say, he was expelled from school as this was not his first incident.

Can I do more if I want???
 
1. courtney love kissed me in 1995 in the liquid room in tokyo. there was tongue. i have kurt's dna in me.
2. i got in a fight with fred durst at rock am ring around 10 years ago. he ripped up a tape cassette i had of interviews i had been doing. he said "no one records fred durst".
3. i got high with the drummer from feeder while he was tuning his drums behind the stage. later they sang "im going out for awhile to get high with my friends", which took on a new meaning. he was one of the nicest people in music i had ever met. a few months later he committed suicide in his miami apartment.
 
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