Wife cheated on me... again

[Jazz and Utes]

That's too bad. My marriage and my kids are the best part of my life.

The problem is that in order to achieve that reward you have to open yourself way up emotionally... so it's that much more painful if you get betrayed. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't open yourself up.

No doubt, but seeing my dad and other dudes around his age struggling to get by cuz they're paying $600/month per kid in child support living in an apartment while their ex wives live in a nice big house with their new husbands and on top of that only seeing there kids every other weekend and a couple times a week if they're lucky. Not all are like that obviously but most of the ones I've been around end close to that scenario.

 

[Stoked]

I want to add to my advice:

Don't rip on your wife, or ex-wife, in front of your kids. Change the subject, smile and nod, talk about the Jazz then go get ice-cream. Your kids love you and their mom. They don't want/like to hear negative things about you or their mom. Don't be that guy. Your kids will cherish you for it.

This is easier said than done. But it is very important. I was the child of a divorce and my father ripped on my mom constantly. We no longer have any contact (been 20 years). I do not rip on my kids mom at all and we have a very strong relationship. Don't make the kids feel like they have to choose. It may take them being adults before you reap the benefits but it is the right thing to do.

 

[fishonjazz]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this. It's a horrible thing to live through.

While I know nothing about marriage and can offer no advice there, I do have experience in the child's side. My parents were together since they were 15, married at 19. I came along two years later. There were apparently signs of problems with my dad and other women even then, although my mom doesn't know when the cheating actually began. She didn't leave him then because she was too proud to admit failure.

I always knew there was something wrong with my dad, and it didn't take me long to figure out that he was cheating once I knew what that meant. Kids aren't dumb. I hated my father, but also resented my mother for not leaving him. I begged her for years.

She finally let him get a divorce after 24 years of marriage and four kids. She let him design the terms of the divorce and they didn't get a lawyer. She has had to live very simply while he has gone on to make (and lose) lots of money.

My dad is on his 7th marriage and miserable. My siblings and I only have contact with him out of a weird sense of duty. He has lost everything, since some of his ex's were smart enough to get good lawyers.

So while no one can tell you what to do, in my experience the kids will be happier getting out from under all of it. Try to stay cordial. Fight for your rights to the kids. They need love and lots of it. Give them all the stability you can. Kids are pretty resilient when they see that both parents are okay and making new lives. It's not ideal, but I think it can be really, really good.

Good luck! It's gonna suck for awhile but you'll get through it.

Sent from my HTC6535LVW using JazzFanz mobile app

I don't like your dad

 

[franklin]

I've kind of wanted to say that in this thread I'm 100% biased in favor of the male POV. I'm a man and I've mostly heard about divorce from other men. So my sympathy has to do mostly with what men have gone through. I haven't had the same conversations with women. I haven't ever known a woman who had to send the majority of her earned post tax income to support her ex and his new lady, leaving her living at a standard well below what she had before the divorce while the ex enjoys the standard of living he always had, but I see that frequently with men.

I think men should have to pay some child support if they don't have primary custody, but I think the woman should have to show receipts demonstrating that the money is being paid directly for the children's expenses. And I think the standard of living of both the man and the woman should factor into how much is paid. If a guy making over 50K/year lives like someone below the poverty line, something is wrong. He shouldn't have to pay so that while his kids are at mom's they have all the comforts and while they're with him they have to eat ramen noodles and share a sleeping bag on the floor.

I think the father should have the option to offset his child support payments by purchasing things for the kids, dollar for dollar. So that if the guy wants to he can pay ZERO in child support if he can show that he spent the equivalent on things his kids need.

A good friend of mine is perpetually stuck in his mother's basement because his wife cheated on him multiple times and he still tried to do right by her for her kids.
[MENTION=639]Joe Bagadonuts[/MENTION] and anyone else saying to not lawyer up: GTFO

 

[franklin]

I don't like your dad

Redacted for extreme insensitivity. My apologies.

 

[green]

He was divorced 7 times though.
Maybe, just maybe he was the problem.

Dude, some guys get all the luck. This guy obviously was strapped with seven horrible women. Unlucky dude. Ha ha.

Marriage is tough. One study asked people if love was a choice or a feeling. They followed up 10 years later. The couples that said it was a feeling only 30-some odd percent were still married. Those that said it was a choice, over 70% were still married.

There's a lot of good to a great marriage. Kids are stressful, annoying, rude, disobedient, smelly and general jerks. BUT, man, they are fun. Being married makes your housing, food, overall costs go down (in theory). You can build wealth faster being married if you work together. It's fun having someone in your corner. It's nice having someone to bitch to.

I highly recommend marriage TO THE RIGHT PERSON, and the right person is someone that is willing to work as hard as you do at it. If they aren't willing to, then it can't work. Cut your losses, HIRE A GOOD LAWYER, and move on. It sucks, but it's all you can do.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

A good friend of mine is perpetually stuck in his mother's basement because his wife cheated on him multiple times and he still tried to do right by her for her kids.
[MENTION=639]Joe Bagadonuts[/MENTION] and anyone else saying to not lawyer up: GTFO

I never suggested that anybody should not get a lawyer if the other party does. Believe it or not there are a lot of divorces that get done with no lawyer involved. In many (probably most) of those cases both parties are happy with the settlement.

All of that said, in my own situation it's pretty obvious that lawyers were going to become necessary because of my ex, so then I was going to have to get one as well. It is certainly not my lawyer's fault that my situation went so miserably. It was definitely a result of my ex.

 

[green]

I would think if there is no kids, the need for a lawyer diminishes. Especially if both husband and wife work. But if there are kids, I would never, as a man, go through a divorce without one. The rules are too nuanced and you could screw yourself custody wise if you don't have one.

 

[leftyjace]

Really good post.

Dragon, right?

Correct. And thank you.

I'm at a disadvantage. I don't know what old posters have changed their handles to. Sounds like you're one of them. And #bern is another.

 

[leftyjace]

Lefty was always good for pumping the horsey sauce.

Ya, I like to spread my horsey sauce around, always have... adds flavor.

 

[leftyjace]

Congrats on your new relationship!

BTW, I only recall seeing one inappropriate post in this entire thread, and I don't think it came from a frequent poster.

Thanks, man.

It's trippy. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up.

It's that good.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

Thanks, man.

It's trippy. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up.

It's that good.

I'm sure you're already doing this, but make sure it remains as good for her as it is for you. As bizarre as this comment sounds, most women want more from a relationship than great sex. Make certain you know what her needs are.

 

[green]

I'm sure you're already doing this, but make sure it remains as good for her as it is for you. As bizarre as this comment sounds, most women want more from a relationship than great sex. Make certain you know what her needs are.

Gawd. Not my wife. I take business trips to recover. Holy hell that woman doesn't let up.

And I love it.

 

[franklin]

On a side note, I'm grateful knowing that my wife will never cheat on me. People tell me I can't be sure but I know without a doubt she's never stepping out. It's nice comfort.

 

[franklin]

Dude, just delete the posts and quotes. I'm being an insensitive jackass.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

Gawd. Not my wife. I take business trips to recover. Holy hell that woman doesn't let up.

And I love it.

Lucky man. I have a buddy who always told me the same thing about his wife, though, and now they are separated. She claims that he didn't pay any attention to her other needs. He's crazy about her, so he's working hard to figure them out now. He told me it never even occurred to him that she wasn't happy in their relationship before this crisis.

 

[leftyjace]

I'm sure you're already doing this, but make sure it remains as good for her as it is for you. As bizarre as this comment sounds, most women want more from a relationship than great sex. Make certain you know what her needs are.

Great point. That's never been a problem for me, fortunately. I'm very into symbiotic relationships.

 

[Stoked]

Lucky man. I have a buddy who always told me the same thing about his wife, though, and now they are separated. She claims that he didn't pay any attention to her other needs. He's crazy about her, so he's working hard to figure them out now. He told me it never even occurred to him that she wasn't happy in their relationship before this crisis.

Lack of communication

Wife is like a rabbit, luckily so am I.

 

[JazzGal]

Redacted for extreme insensitivity. My apologies.

Bummer. Sorry I missed it. I'm not sensitive to criticism of my dad - he's not a good guy. I did not win the parent lottery. Life goes on.

 

[JazzGal]

I don't like your dad

Me neither.