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Did you have doubts when you got married?

One Brow said:
If you don't experience doubts, you're either in denial or not making a serious commitment.
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Really? I couldn't disagree more strongly. Every situation is different and mine must have been the exception to your rule. We dated for almost three years before we got engaged and didn't get married until six months after the engagement. Most of that wait was scheduling, but not at any point during the engagement did I have any doubts. We were both older (me 29, she 27) and we had talked about everything and even knew that when it was time for kids, we would adopt. There have been some bumps, but nothing serious since year 2 and we just hit year 17. Had we rushed into marriage in the first year like she wanted to do, I have little doubt that I would be among the divorced. Instead, we waited, worked out our **** and got married and felt good about it.
 
YB85 said:
Really? I couldn't disagree more strongly. Every situation is different and mine must have been the exception to your rule. We dated for almost three years before we got engaged and didn't get married until six months after the engagement. Most of that wait was scheduling, but not at any point during the engagement did I have any doubts. We were both older (me 29, she 27) and we had talked about everything and even knew that when it was time for kids, we would adopt. There have been some bumps, but nothing serious since year 2 and we just hit year 17. Had we rushed into marriage in the first year like she wanted to do, I have little doubt that I would be among the divorced. Instead, we waited, worked out our **** and got married and felt good about it.
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That experience is exactly why I have been preaching the timeline I posted to my kids. That is the better way to approach things imo. I think doubts and cold feet are largely dispelled by taking things at a slower pace and being more "prepared" to be married.
 
Two things:

1. If you find someone that you truly want to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with, do it. But be careful. Don't mistake infatuation or lust for love. And don't assume that you will be able to fix any issues. I have more than one friend who is divorced now because of something that was in the open before the union occurred.

2. Take advice from message board yahoos (such as myself) with a grain (or handful) of salt. Nobody knows your circumstances. Sometimes marriages that are doomed to fail end up thriving. And matches made in heaven go south. But never get married just to be married.
 
One Brow said:
I'm a firm believe in the 80-20 rule of compromise. You see yourself compromising 80% of the time and your spouse compromising 20% of the time. You accept that your spouse sees themself compromising 80% of the time and you 20% of the time.
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There's a lot of truth in that.
 
One thing that I would always advise is to not get married quickly after meeting someone. I know there are always couples that meet and get married within six months and live happily ever after. But I would not want my kids to be one of those that try it. Way too big of a chance the someone is hiding something.
 
bronco70 said:
take advice from message board yahoos (such as myself) with a grain (or handful) of salt. Nobody knows your circumstances. Sometimes marriages that are doomed to fail end up thriving. And matches made in heaven go south. But never get married just to be married.
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/thread
 
Thanks guys.

Sorry cat, I did it on purpose. to hurt you. hard.

Thanks Casey. Yeah, we're both pretty lucky. I knew we would be together even before we really started dating. Very strange and incredible feeling.

To add to the thread conversation, neither of us had any doubts going into marriage. But I think that's rare. We both lived the **** out of our 20's and made sure we were ready. I think what others here have said is true. If you have one foot out the door, or if you're unsure, you should probably wait.
 
Gameface said:
I have my doubts about the institution of marriage all together.

If it works out, you stay married for life and it is fulfilling then it has major benefits for both man and woman. Also, if both partners make similar amounts of money and participate in the kids lives equally, it can end on somewhat good terms for both parties. However, if you're in a relationship where the man makes the money and the woman takes care of the kids and the house then marriage is a trap that a woman can get out of easily but men are generally stuck providing the woman with the lifestyle she enjoyed while married, while the man gets none of the benefits the marriage once provided.

Marriage can be great. But divorce seems to be a very bad deal for men in general. Be very careful!
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Did you really just say that marriage is a trap if the mother stays home with the kids? and that it's a trap that the mom can easily get out of?

If it is a "trap" then it is the person with the means of support and work experience that can easily get out of it. "In point of fact" my neighbor got told by her husband that he wanted a divorce not too long after she just had a baby(who had medical problems), and she had 2 other small children as well. So being a sahm her only alternative was to go back to live with her parents. Since they lived in another state the husband got a court order for her to return to Utah, where she had no family support, and since she couldn't get a job because she was caring for 3 small children he was awarded custody of the kids.
 
Millsapa said:
Did you really just say that marriage is a trap if the mother stays home with the kids? and that it's a trap that the mom can easily get out of?

If it is a "trap" then it is the person with the means of support and work experience that can easily get out of it. "In point of fact" my neighbor got told by her husband that he wanted a divorce not too long after she just had a baby(who had medical problems), and she had 2 other small children as well. So being a sahm her only alternative was to go back to live with her parents. Since they lived in another state the husband got a court order for her to return to Utah, where she had no family support, and since she couldn't get a job because she was caring for 3 small children he was awarded custody of the kids.
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I am sure that is the whole story....
 
I'm siding with Milsapa on this one. If anyone is trapped in a one-income family, it is the stay-at-home parent.
 
Millsapa said:
Did you really just say that marriage is a trap if the mother stays home with the kids? and that it's a trap that the mom can easily get out of?

If it is a "trap" then it is the person with the means of support and work experience that can easily get out of it. "In point of fact" my neighbor got told by her husband that he wanted a divorce not too long after she just had a baby(who had medical problems), and she had 2 other small children as well. So being a sahm her only alternative was to go back to live with her parents. Since they lived in another state the husband got a court order for her to return to Utah, where she had no family support, and since she couldn't get a job because she was caring for 3 small children he was awarded custody of the kids.
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Holy damn you're stupid.
 
One Brow said:
I'm siding with Milsapa on this one. If anyone is trapped in a one-income family, it is the stay-at-home parent.
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What if the stay at home parent is a stay at home parent against the wishes of their spouse? What if they don't need to stay at home at all? Or what if one partner doesn't pursue a serious and/or well paying career, instead opting for unskilled part-time work?

If it's the man who chooses that path against the wishes of his wife he is a big-time dead-beat loser. If the woman makes that choice, and it ends up breaking up the marriage, we praise her.

FYI, the biggest dispute in my marriage is that my wife doesn't want to do work that she doesn't like and wants it to fit her schedule, even though we have plenty of family support that could make her working full-time possible. I can't make her get the kind of job I know she could get. I have zero control over her decision to make 1/6th what I make (and I'm not pulling in six figures by a long stretch). If we were to split I'd be paying her a good sum because she's "sacrificed" her career ambitions for our family. She really has all the control and I'll be paying to support her no matter what. In other words, she's got me by the balls.

I love her though, don't get me wrong.
 
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Gameface said:
What if the stay at home parent is a stay at home parent against the wishes of their spouse? What if they don't need to stay at home at all? Or what if one partner doesn't pursue a serious and/or well paying career, instead opting for unskilled part-time work?

If it's the man who chooses that path against the wishes of his wife he is a big-time dead-beat loser. If the woman makes that choice, and it ends up breaking up the marriage, we praise her.

FYI, the biggest dispute in my marriage is that my wife doesn't want to do work that she doesn't like and wants it to fit her schedule, even though we have plenty of family support that could make her working full-time possible. I can't make her get the kind of job I know she could get. I have zero control over her decision to make 1/6th what I make (and I'm not pulling in six figures by a long stretch). If we were to split I'd be paying her a good sum because she's "sacrificed" her career ambitions for our family. She really has all the control and I'll be paying to support her no matter what. In other words, she's got me by the balls.

I love her though, don't get me wrong.
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https://jazzfanz.com/showthread.php?7013-Break-in-Susan-Powell-Case

Problem solved.
 
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