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End of life care

Rubashov

Rubashov

Well-Known Member
2019 Award Winner
So my mum is about to enter end of life care, its unfortunately the trajectory of things. Im gonna resign from my job tomorrow and stay the course with mum to the end. Financially I should be ok for at least 6 months, more than enough time to get mum sorted with whatever she needs. If I need to pick up some casual work a couple of days a week its no bother.

Anyone else had similar experiences and been in the same position? Any advice would be welcome
 
My mother had terminal cancer and eventually did home hospice. She needed 24/7 care so my sister and I took leave and one of my mom's "friends" helped and we all did 8hr shifts. Eventually we found out the friend was stealing my mom's pain medicine so my sister and I did 12hr shifts after that.

It was hard. Really hard.

When I went back to my job I got some of the ********* comments I've ever heard in my life. One was a guilt trip about me being gone made it harder for the rest of them to take time off. Another was someone telling me that it must have been nice to be able to spend that time with my mom. I can tell you that it wasn't nice at all. She was completely out of it from the massive amounts of pain killers she was on, a ketomine pump, a morphine pump, both maxed out and eventually liquid oxy. Very limited coherent moments which were opportunities for her to express how much pain she was in. Then she died. So it wasn't nice at all.

I quit about a month after going back.

I'm very sorry for you and I wish I had more uplifting advice.
 
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We were lucky enough to be in the position to send my wife to be with both her father and mother in their hospice time. She spent 6 weeks with her dad and 5 with her mom, 2 years apart. She was happy to be able to do that, but it took it's toll.

I am a firm believer in compassionate euthanasia. I think if multiple doctors confirm someone is at the end of their life they and their family should have the option to end things on their own terms. Something dignified when they are coherent enough to say goodbye and enjoy the time with friends and family before passing on.

My wife described the time with her mother as a horror show. She had nightmares for weeks after. Even though she felt grateful to be there it was not the way she wanted to remember her mom. I totally get that.

I really feel for you @Rubashov and I greatly dread the day my parents go through this. All the best positive thoughts to you and yours in this time. Wish I could visit and lend some support. Good on you for prioritizing her care, even though it will be hard on you. You're a good son. Take care my friend.
 
Sardines said:
My mother had terminal cancer and eventually did home hospice. She needed 24/7 care so my sister and I took leave and one of my mom's "friends" helped and we all did 8hr shifts. Eventually we found out the friend was stealing my mom's pain medicine so my sister and I did 12hr shifts after that.

It was hard. Really hard.

When I went back to my job I got some of the ********* comments I've ever heard in my life. One was a guilt trip about me being gone made it harder for the rest of them to take time off. Another was someone telling me that it must have been nice to be able to spend that time with my mom. I can tell you that it wasn't nice at all. She was completely out of it from the massive amounts of pain killers she was on, a ketomine pump, a morphine pump, both maxed out and eventually liquid oxy. Very limited coherent moments which were opportunities for her to express how much pain she was in. Then she died. So it wasn't nice at all.

I quit about a month after going back.

I'm very sorry for you and I wish I had more uplifting advice.
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Yeah my boss is not making it easy for me to access my leave entitlements, so I'll resign and he'll have to pay them out. I cant be bothered going 12 rounds with him every time I need a day off. I'll worry about work when i need to.
 
LogGrad98 said:
We were lucky enough to be in the position to send my wife to be with both her father and mother in their hospice time. She spent 6 weeks with her dad and 5 with her mom, 2 years apart. She was happy to be able to do that, but it took it's toll.

I am a firm believer in compassionate euthanasia. I think if multiple doctors confirm someone is at the end of their life they and their family should have the option to end things on their own terms. Something dignified when they are coherent enough to say goodbye and enjoy the time with friends and family before passing on.

My wife described the time with her mother as a horror show. She had nightmares for weeks after. Even though she felt grateful to be there it was not the way she wanted to remember her mom. I totally get that.

I really feel for you @Rubashov and I greatly dread the day my parents go through this. All the best positive thoughts to you and yours in this time. Wish I could visit and lend some support. Good on you for prioritizing her care, even though it will be hard on you. You're a good son. Take care my friend.
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Thanks mate, these things happen to the the living.
 
Rubashov said:
Yeah my boss is not making it easy for me to access my leave entitlements, so I'll resign and he'll have to pay them out. I cant be bothered going 12 rounds with him every time I need a day off. I'll worry about work when i need to.
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My state will pay my wife a salary to take care of me when I get bad. They don't have that where you are?
 
Rubashov said:
So my mum is about to enter end of life care, its unfortunately the trajectory of things. Im gonna resign from my job tomorrow and stay the course with mum to the end. Financially I should be ok for at least 6 months, more than enough time to get mum sorted with whatever she needs. If I need to pick up some casual work a couple of days a week its no bother.

Anyone else had similar experiences and been in the same position? Any advice would be welcome
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I've dealt with an end of life situation with my step-dad whom I loved. He had cancer and was given 3 months to live. He was able to fight it off for about 3 years, but it ultimately got him. For those three years he was mostly ok, considering the circumstance, but the last two weeks of his life were Hell. I stayed with my Mom for the last week and a half of his life and he was only able to communicate with me once.

He would have (and did) choose to fight til the end, but I strongly believe in the option to terminate ones own life. The very end doesn't seem appealing to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom.
 
One Brow said:
My state will pay my wife a salary to take care of me when I get bad. They don't have that where you are?
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We have nothing like that here. I'm hoping mum will give full care a try but I can also see it from her stand point of not wanting to live in chronic pain with no quality of life. All these decisions are yet to come.
 
When my Dad died, I took a couple of weeks off beforehand to go down and be with/care for him. It was important, but really, really hard. The last day, he was experiencing terminal agitation, so the hospice nurse came over at, like, 1 am to help get his meds where he wasn't disturbed, I finally got to bed around 7am, woke up at 9 am for last rites, stayed up most of the day, finally went to sleep about 8 or 9 pm, then got back up just an hour or so later when the time was coming, I got to be there at the very end, but the rictus has been pretty hard to shake.

But the hospice care was fantastic, couldn't have made it through without them.
 
Sorry if this is insensitive but I kind of hope the laws will be different when I'm at this point and I will be able to request that I be euthanized.

Sent from my CPH2451 using Tapatalk
 
fishonjazz said:
Sorry if this is insensitive but I kind of hope the laws will be different when I'm at this point and I will be able to request that I be euthanized.

Sent from my CPH2451 using Tapatalk
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I live in Oregon. We were the first state to enact a death-with-dignity act, permitting physician assisted suicide. When someone does that, they actually put the underlying disease (brain cancer, for example) on the death certificate. If you want a good, powerful, moving documentary about it, hunt down How To Die In Oregon. It's a couple decades old, but still really strong. It's available free on Tubi and Vudu, or you can pay someone like Apple or Amazon.
 
Heartfelt prayers for you and your family. Part of life and transition, but so hope that those around you will be a mensch.
Suggest you get recommendations for your Home Health and Hospice company, reading reviews for your area. Some are fantastic and focus on care, unfortunately some seem to focus on getting the contract and are less responsive. Change if they're not responsive. You can change companies very easily.
If you happen to be in Calif, check out CalAIM. Program pays a small amount for family caring for family members.
Know there are those around to help
 
gandalfe said:
I live in Oregon. We were the first state to enact a death-with-dignity act, permitting physician assisted suicide. When someone does that, they actually put the underlying disease (brain cancer, for example) on the death certificate. If you want a good, powerful, moving documentary about it, hunt down How To Die In Oregon. It's a couple decades old, but still really strong. It's available free on Tubi and Vudu, or you can pay someone like Apple or Amazon.
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tubitv.com

How to Die in Oregon (2011)

This documentary explores Oregon's controversial Death with Dignity Act, which legalizes physician-assisted death for those who are terminally ill.
tubitv.com tubitv.com

Wow. Watching the first 4:30 minutes was insane.
 
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gandalfe said:
I live in Oregon. We were the first state to enact a death-with-dignity act, permitting physician assisted suicide. When someone does that, they actually put the underlying disease (brain cancer, for example) on the death certificate. If you want a good, powerful, moving documentary about it, hunt down How To Die In Oregon. It's a couple decades old, but still really strong. It's available free on Tubi and Vudu, or you can pay someone like Apple or Amazon.
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We have assisted dying here, the criteria is fairly strict and I'm not sure my mum actually meets the criteria but if she refuses treatment the doctors have made its clear they'll make her comfortable. Mums pretty much at the point where shes had enough I've asked her to try rehab and maybe try care to see how she goes but I can only really ask so much of her, its unfair for me to ask her to go on in pain because I don't want to be alone.
 
mate just saw this .. so sorry to hear. Best wishes for you and your Mum, I can only wish that's she's as comfortable as can be through this last stage. LIke the dude said above feel free to DM if you need to talk, vent etc.
 
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