The Official Fight the boredom of off-season with humor thread.
- Thread starter Former Member
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Some Jack Handey Deep Thoughts, inspired by Zulu's sig:
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
sex."
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face."
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
sex."
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face."
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
Former Member
Banned
^^^
I forgot all about Jack Handey! I need to find some more of those.
I forgot all about Jack Handey! I need to find some more of those.
More from Jack Handey:
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway."
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway."
Former Member
Banned
I owe you some rep, but the system is holding me down!
No worries. Ok, here a few more of the Deep Thoughts, and then I'll get back to eating lunch and working.
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'"
"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so
what, can't we all be brothers?"
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
Former Member
Banned
Former Member
Banned
It's time for more Deep Thoughts.
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a
hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. 'Oh no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late."
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic"
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a
hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. 'Oh no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late."
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic"
Here are some lawyer jokes in honor of sirkicky:
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
___
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
___
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
___
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
___
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
___
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
___
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people were spitting on the wrong side.
___
And finally...
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
___
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
___
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
___
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
___
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
___
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
___
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people were spitting on the wrong side.
___
And finally...
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Former Member
Banned
lol... these are great.
Former Member
Banned
I just realized I am less than a month away from being in class again... I figured I would bust out some philosophy jokes.
