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Your most memorable poos

This thread sickening doe, man. Yo, man. I actually ate pasta and forgot about this thread in sense of eating it, Im glad I did, because Logs memorable colon buster was traumatizing.

I will never look at my **** the same again.
 
So has anyone heard of irritable bowel syndrome? It is my constant companion and "best friend", a souvenir from chemo, the gift that just keeps on giving. It is often triggered by eating too much in one sitting, or too much greasy food, or because it is Wednesday, or because it is hard to get out of the aisle in a busy movie theater. When it hits, it takes no prisoners and gives no quarter. It is that right-now, this-****-is-urgent, time to give birth kind of fecal experience.

So we were living in a small town east of Reno called Fernley. We had met some friends for sushi in Reno at lunchtime in the summer, think it was June. We went to Walmart and the irritable bowel aura started gurgling through my nether-regions. I made it through the Walmart ok, leaving some toxic clouds in my wake, and I was sure generating some decent tobacco stains, but otherwise unscathed. I knew if I could get in the car I could at least sit on the exit point and hold back the tide until I could get to my own bathroom, because this is NOT the kind of thing you want to leave in any other bathroom, for fear of permanently scarring anyone nearby when it releases.

So we got in the van, I sat down fast, screwed the buttcheeks down tight, and waited for my wife to load the groceries in the vehicle. After a few painful waves and teeth-grinding pressure, my bowels seemed to settle down. This was par for the course, I had been there, done that before, and I knew all I had to do was ride the wave until it all crawled back up inside and I was good for another 10 minutes, maybe less. A cycle of these was manageable to a point, but only to a point, and I knew we had to get on the road. Finally she was done loading the car and we were off.

It is about a 30 minute drive from the Walmart on Kietzke lane to our house in Fernely. I had to fight back 2 or 3 waves on the way, and it wasn't going well. Some escaped despite my best efforts and the gas was just short of mustard gas. My wife rode the distance with her head out the window. We phoned ahead and had the kids open the front door wide, get any toys or anything out of the way, and open all the doors into the master bathroom, where I knew I would be holed up for a good 45 minutes or so upon arrival. I was mentally bracing myself to make a mad dash and hopefully not release the wave on the way in.

As we came down the street, I noticed a car in front of our house. As we got closer we saw a couple of people standing outside talking to my oldest son. Oh crap, it was our home teachers. I forgot they were coming over, and now here they were. I knew I didn't have any time to talk, and wouldn't be able to stand still for longer than a few seconds without releasing a colostic wave of epic proportions.

We pulled in the driveway, and I prepared myself to just rush past them when one of them walked right to the car and waved. I didn't know what to do and told my wife to run interference for me. She hopped out and quickly tried to ask them to help with the groceries, but my son, at 13 years old and trying to be helpful, informed them that I had to "poop really bad" and that was why the doors were open. The guys looked perplexed, and just kind of stood there as I just cinched that ****** up tight and made a mad dash.

I thought I was home free, if a little embarrassed, as I brushed past one of their outstretched hands without even attempting to shake it, when my foot caught on the edge of the door sill and I went down.

One of the home teachers, a younger guy who was a recent convert, rushed over to help me up, but as I stood I felt the dam give way. Soupy brown sludge poured down my leg, right out of the bottom of my shorts and rushed over my foot and splashed up on his shoes. The smell was immediate, and gag-inducing. He looked down, and, I **** you not, said "mother ****er" while he tried to jump out of the way. He looked like I had just screwed, **** on, and killed his puppy all at the same time. I was pretty confident he was on the edge of puking but I couldn't wait to find out.

I turned and sloshed down the hallway, spurred on by little shotgun farts and more sludge, and slipped as I rounded the corner and went down again. I kicked off my shoes, hoping to get better traction in my socks since my shoes were now lubricated with the slimy stuff, and made it to the bathroom where I deposited a dino-sized pile of fecal matter that was the consistency of melting soft-serve and oatmeal mixed, and smelled like a sewer treatment plant gone wrong, like out of a Stephen King story or something. I am convinced that the smell permeated the walls and you can probably still smell it to this day.

When I was done the home teachers had gone. Imagine that.
 
LogGrad turning this thread into a JF classic


Sent from the JazzFanz app
 
After 48 hrs. or worrying, We have finally dropped deuce.

March 28, 2014
6:52 A.M.

Urgency: Moderate
Satisfaction: High
Density: High
Constipation level: Had to give it a push.
Food: Bunch or random food. But it was turned a healthy green by sumthin
Slime level: Medium
Burning sensation: Light
Pieces: Several, with one large mother-ship piece.
Shape: Varied for the smaller pieces. The mother-ship was classic snake type
Pieces of toilet paper used: 4
Amount of poo left in butt: More than I would like, about to shower, will get the rest.
Overall: 7/10, Felt good after going so long without. This was a "**** is this gonna clog the toilet" type of poo. Little to slimy for top marks.
 
I know I should be disgusted and not even read these, but some of the better ones have actually made me literally laugh out loud and a couple even brought tears to my eyes due to laughing so hard.
 
Archie Moses said:
If you have a public pooping phobia, I have a cure. Wear headphones and blast your music. Works like a charm.
Click to expand...

Another thing that works is playing it up really big.

I had a bout of IBS once and there was no way I was making it to the comforts of home to squirt it all over my own familiar bowl, so I went into the mall bathroom and found a reasonably clean stall (in cases like this, all you care about is no **** directly on the toilet seat) and prepared to make a mess of things. IBS in my case is always accompanied by both strong interjections of loud (my son called it "slappy") gas, as well as a profound stench, which is largely indescribable, but kind of makes you think of cow diarrhea or something like that I guess. Acidic and clingy. The kind that clears your sinuses and pushes your "fight or flight" buttons pretty good.

I went into the bathroom alone, but it was busy, being an early December Saturday, so soon there were more than a few folks in there mostly dudes with their kids. I proceded to release the payload, and it was more gassy than usual. I tried to tone it down, but this one was not going to go away so easily, so I decided to just embrace it, and ham it up a bit. I moaned and hit the side of the stall, while delivering elephant-trumpeting noises and the foul stench of the bowels of hell itself. I faked some crying, and pleaded for it to stop. I kind of patterned it on an old Adam Sandler bit I had heard on one of his albums. It went over pretty well, mostly answered by the silence of the crypt and a few kids asking if "that man" was alright. The best part was some guy coming in, immediately joking with other dudes in there he probably didn't know, you know the type, the guy that will stand right next to you at the urinal and comment on your shoes. Well, he was int here blabbering for about 10 seconds when he got really quiet. I released one last strong blast of splattery gas and he said simply "Dear God" and left. It was the highlight of the poop.

That and all the looks I got as I exited to go wash my hands. But maybe even better was the fact that as I left the stall I realized the automatic flusher didn't work for whatever reason and I laughed as I thought of the pure horror some poor guy was going to experience as he entered that stall later on.



I never thought my lifelong personal bathroom hell would be able to provide so many good stories. Usually no one else wants to hear them, and many of them are far too embarrassing for mixed company (any of you ever drop a 3 year old on the floor like spiking a football while high-tailing it to make the bathroom in time in a busy Walmart?).

I love this thread.
 
yall need to step your game up

https://www.amazon.com/Kama-Pootra-Mind-Blowing-Ways-Poop/dp/1402237146 - Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

ive mastered the advanced stuff already

KAMAPOO_2.jpg
 
This was a bigun fellas.

March 30, 2014
3:29 P.M.

Urgency: Moderate
Satisfaction: Very high
Density: High
Constipation level: Not constipated, but def had to work it through dat colon.
Food: Chicken, potatoes, and popcorn.
Slime level: Low
Burning sensation: Light
Pieces: Several medium pieces, one large, one very large.
Shape: Classic lump poo shape. The largest piece broke in half.
Pieces of toilet paper used: 3
Amount of poo left in butt: Not much.
Overall: 9/10, gotta love a good '*sigh*' after a poo. Couple kernels in this bad boy, looked crunchy. Quality dump.
 
LogGrad98 said:
Another thing that works is playing it up really big.

I had a bout of IBS once and there was no way I was making it to the comforts of home to squirt it all over my own familiar bowl, so I went into the mall bathroom and found a reasonably clean stall (in cases like this, all you care about is no **** directly on the toilet seat) and prepared to make a mess of things. IBS in my case is always accompanied by both strong interjections of loud (my son called it "slappy") gas, as well as a profound stench, which is largely indescribable, but kind of makes you think of cow diarrhea or something like that I guess. Acidic and clingy. The kind that clears your sinuses and pushes your "fight or flight" buttons pretty good.

I went into the bathroom alone, but it was busy, being an early December Saturday, so soon there were more than a few folks in there mostly dudes with their kids. I proceded to release the payload, and it was more gassy than usual. I tried to tone it down, but this one was not going to go away so easily, so I decided to just embrace it, and ham it up a bit. I moaned and hit the side of the stall, while delivering elephant-trumpeting noises and the foul stench of the bowels of hell itself. I faked some crying, and pleaded for it to stop. I kind of patterned it on an old Adam Sandler bit I had heard on one of his albums. It went over pretty well, mostly answered by the silence of the crypt and a few kids asking if "that man" was alright. The best part was some guy coming in, immediately joking with other dudes in there he probably didn't know, you know the type, the guy that will stand right next to you at the urinal and comment on your shoes. Well, he was int here blabbering for about 10 seconds when he got really quiet. I released one last strong blast of splattery gas and he said simply "Dear God" and left. It was the highlight of the poop.

That and all the looks I got as I exited to go wash my hands. But maybe even better was the fact that as I left the stall I realized the automatic flusher didn't work for whatever reason and I laughed as I thought of the pure horror some poor guy was going to experience as he entered that stall later on.



I never thought my lifelong personal bathroom hell would be able to provide so many good stories. Usually no one else wants to hear them, and many of them are far too embarrassing for mixed company (any of you ever drop a 3 year old on the floor like spiking a football while high-tailing it to make the bathroom in time in a busy Walmart?).

I love this thread.
Click to expand...

Monica, have you ever knocked yourself out with one of your bathroom stall Dutch ovens?
 
franklin said:
Monica, have you ever knocked yourself out with one of your bathroom stall Dutch ovens?
Click to expand...

No. Made my wife puke in the sink spontaneously. Was mildly satisfying, but I caught hell later. I had told her not to come in the bathroom, but she needed something, and came in anyway and immediately retched in the sink.

I have had my kids downstairs complain about the smell when I was in the master bathroom upstairs.

When I asked him, since I was at first worried I had some major disease like Crohn's or something, my doctor told me the smell is because it is a little like an ileostomy, where the bowel just releases everything past a certain, usually back to the ileum (the ileocecal valve I think), spasmodically. I have never smelled anything quite like it. It is way worse than any dirty diaper you have ever experienced. Normally instant gag-inducing.

I purposely dropped one at church once (normally I try to contain it until I get home, doesn't always work out that way). It was after the meetings were mostly over, and I had left the last meeting to wait in the car to get home to take care of my business. I was walking by the bathroom and decided to just let it go there. That was a lot of fun, as much fun as it can be anyway. People avoiding the bathroom and the comments, especially from kids. One kid said he bet someone died in there. You could smell it in the hallway a good 1/4 of the way around the building. I stood there at the end of the hall for a bit then went out to the car. My wife came out, got in the car, and turned and pointed her finger at me and said "was that you mister?"
 
this isn't worth a thread of its own, but I thought it might be fun to mention a few of the more creative names for portable toilets. Porta-Potty and Port-o-let are pretty vanilla. Some of my favorites include Honey Bucket, Johnny on the Spot, Do Drop Inn, Lepre-Can (has almost the same logo as Lucky Charms cereal, minus the rainbow) Call A-Head and Oui Oui.

Here's one I just made up: Can-Can Do-Do. The logo would be a chorus line of can-can dancers, waving their skirts and doing a high kick!

Anyone have any other brilliant ideas? Urine Town perhaps? This Dump Urine?
 
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Nothing like hugging someone with good colon, that's for sure.
 
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