Cocaine
Active Member
Hey everyone, just coming here for some advice. I apologize if this is not the right place, but I frequent this forum and feel most of you may have some good input.
Yesterday around 6:00PM my wife and I came home from shopping to find my mother(who lives in our basement) dead. I was unpacking groceries when my wife, who can barely walk due to an ankle injury, runs as fast as she can up the stairs and tells me she can't wake her up. I run downstairs and upon touching her ice-cold skin and feeling how stiff she was, screaming and trying to wake her, I knew immediately she was gone.
She has a rough history, the past 15 years battling drug(prescription) and alcohol addiction. She's been clean of alcohol for almost 3 years now, but the prescription drugs have been a serious issue. We found her on her bed, face-down in some vomit, but even the Medical Examiner is unsure of the cause of death. We will be waiting for autopsy results. She is on probably 30-35 different medications a day ranging from pain pills to pills for depression, anxiety, insomnia..you name it, she probably takes it.
Skip forward to now, the next morning. I've slept maybe 3-4 hours which is good considering. My work is being great and giving me some bereavement leave with pay for the next few days so I'm good on that front. My issue is I'm not sure if I'm coping with it well. I was crying and screaming at her when I was trying to wake her up for 10-15 minutes while waiting for the paramedics, and I break down whenever I go into her room or rather anywhere in the house for a minute or two, but nothing major. I'm worried that I'm trying to be too strong, and that eventually down the road I'm going to break. It doesn't seem real. I keep expecting to walk past the stairs to her room and have her call my name, asking where I'm going, or calling me when I leave to ask the same thing. It would annoy the **** out of me, but now you could wish for nothing more. To top it off, my wife is unable to work because of an ankle injury she sustained back in November of 2010. We do not have health insurance, so getting her into doctors and specialists is a slow process. Without my mom, we cannot afford this home. So we are going to have to get in touch with the landlord and see about getting out of here early, but I'm not sure where we will go.
Anyway, done ranting. Any tips/tricks to help one cope? When we pack up the home to leave, especially her room..what do I do with all of her stuff? I know I will probably take all of her clothes to Deseret Industries or the Salvation Army, she'd want that. I will save every picture of her that I can find, which may be hard. Our family has never been really big on pictures. But I'm sure there are plenty.
Our family does not have really any money whatsoever. I get paid, and my wife and I are down to $1-$5 for the next two weeks almost within hours because of bills and things needed. Is there anyone, any organization that helps in times like these? Helps with the cost of the funeral/burial? She was an active(tried, as much as her body would let her) Mormon and would go to church whenever she could. Maybe get in touch with her bishop?
Lastly..the major issue I'm having, and I know you can't think like this when a loved one dies.. I work graveyards. 9:00PM-7:30AM Monday-Thursday night. When she would abuse pills, she would be in bed all day, I would not see her much. The last time I spoke with her was Tuesday evening(if I remember correctly). She called me because she thought I left, but it was my wife leaving because she was upset, my mother was downstairs with a friend, and both were talking badly about my wife. My wife heard them and left to go to her father's, quite angry. My mom called me and asked if I left. I told her that it was my wife, and why she was angry. She claimed they weren't, I said "Sure" and hung up. I slightly remember her calling again, asking me if I would brown some hamburger for sloppy joes that evening for dinner, but I was getting ready to leave early for work, so I could stop by the gym beforehand. I wasn't the nicest person to my mother of the past couple of weeks. When she would come upstairs to talk to me when she was high, we would get into arguments. Sometimes bad arguments. I never got the chance to say goodbye, or tell her that I loved her. She had been in rehab recently at University Neuropsychiatric Institute, up at the UofU, due to suicidal thoughts. She had attempted suicide a few times before, with me finding her with her wrists slit and getting help there in time. Before she was discharged, we had a family meeting. I love my mother to death, but my mind started telling me "If she's going to kill herself, just do it and get it done and over with." I brought this up in the meeting, and it seriously hurt her, because at times she felt like it would be easier on myself and my sister if she was just dead, then we wouldn't have to worry about her, etc. The psychiatrist there explained that it's a normal feeling, because I felt helpless, having tried to get her off of the pills and alcohol for 10+ years.
Sigh..just rambling now. There is so much more, but I'm not staying on-topic, and I apologize. I just worry that she left this world thinking I didn't love her because of our arguments and the way I treated her leading up to her death. I would tell her whenever we spoke on the phone, I would always toss a "Love you" her way. I just hope she knew she was loved by many, and that she will be missed, and I hope she wasn't in pain when she went. My wife saw her face, I did not. She said it looked like she may have been in pain. Thanks to those of you that provide feedback, and those of you who take the time to reply. I appreciate it.
TL;DR - Losing my mind, want to punch something.
Yesterday around 6:00PM my wife and I came home from shopping to find my mother(who lives in our basement) dead. I was unpacking groceries when my wife, who can barely walk due to an ankle injury, runs as fast as she can up the stairs and tells me she can't wake her up. I run downstairs and upon touching her ice-cold skin and feeling how stiff she was, screaming and trying to wake her, I knew immediately she was gone.
She has a rough history, the past 15 years battling drug(prescription) and alcohol addiction. She's been clean of alcohol for almost 3 years now, but the prescription drugs have been a serious issue. We found her on her bed, face-down in some vomit, but even the Medical Examiner is unsure of the cause of death. We will be waiting for autopsy results. She is on probably 30-35 different medications a day ranging from pain pills to pills for depression, anxiety, insomnia..you name it, she probably takes it.
Skip forward to now, the next morning. I've slept maybe 3-4 hours which is good considering. My work is being great and giving me some bereavement leave with pay for the next few days so I'm good on that front. My issue is I'm not sure if I'm coping with it well. I was crying and screaming at her when I was trying to wake her up for 10-15 minutes while waiting for the paramedics, and I break down whenever I go into her room or rather anywhere in the house for a minute or two, but nothing major. I'm worried that I'm trying to be too strong, and that eventually down the road I'm going to break. It doesn't seem real. I keep expecting to walk past the stairs to her room and have her call my name, asking where I'm going, or calling me when I leave to ask the same thing. It would annoy the **** out of me, but now you could wish for nothing more. To top it off, my wife is unable to work because of an ankle injury she sustained back in November of 2010. We do not have health insurance, so getting her into doctors and specialists is a slow process. Without my mom, we cannot afford this home. So we are going to have to get in touch with the landlord and see about getting out of here early, but I'm not sure where we will go.
Anyway, done ranting. Any tips/tricks to help one cope? When we pack up the home to leave, especially her room..what do I do with all of her stuff? I know I will probably take all of her clothes to Deseret Industries or the Salvation Army, she'd want that. I will save every picture of her that I can find, which may be hard. Our family has never been really big on pictures. But I'm sure there are plenty.
Our family does not have really any money whatsoever. I get paid, and my wife and I are down to $1-$5 for the next two weeks almost within hours because of bills and things needed. Is there anyone, any organization that helps in times like these? Helps with the cost of the funeral/burial? She was an active(tried, as much as her body would let her) Mormon and would go to church whenever she could. Maybe get in touch with her bishop?
Lastly..the major issue I'm having, and I know you can't think like this when a loved one dies.. I work graveyards. 9:00PM-7:30AM Monday-Thursday night. When she would abuse pills, she would be in bed all day, I would not see her much. The last time I spoke with her was Tuesday evening(if I remember correctly). She called me because she thought I left, but it was my wife leaving because she was upset, my mother was downstairs with a friend, and both were talking badly about my wife. My wife heard them and left to go to her father's, quite angry. My mom called me and asked if I left. I told her that it was my wife, and why she was angry. She claimed they weren't, I said "Sure" and hung up. I slightly remember her calling again, asking me if I would brown some hamburger for sloppy joes that evening for dinner, but I was getting ready to leave early for work, so I could stop by the gym beforehand. I wasn't the nicest person to my mother of the past couple of weeks. When she would come upstairs to talk to me when she was high, we would get into arguments. Sometimes bad arguments. I never got the chance to say goodbye, or tell her that I loved her. She had been in rehab recently at University Neuropsychiatric Institute, up at the UofU, due to suicidal thoughts. She had attempted suicide a few times before, with me finding her with her wrists slit and getting help there in time. Before she was discharged, we had a family meeting. I love my mother to death, but my mind started telling me "If she's going to kill herself, just do it and get it done and over with." I brought this up in the meeting, and it seriously hurt her, because at times she felt like it would be easier on myself and my sister if she was just dead, then we wouldn't have to worry about her, etc. The psychiatrist there explained that it's a normal feeling, because I felt helpless, having tried to get her off of the pills and alcohol for 10+ years.
Sigh..just rambling now. There is so much more, but I'm not staying on-topic, and I apologize. I just worry that she left this world thinking I didn't love her because of our arguments and the way I treated her leading up to her death. I would tell her whenever we spoke on the phone, I would always toss a "Love you" her way. I just hope she knew she was loved by many, and that she will be missed, and I hope she wasn't in pain when she went. My wife saw her face, I did not. She said it looked like she may have been in pain. Thanks to those of you that provide feedback, and those of you who take the time to reply. I appreciate it.
TL;DR - Losing my mind, want to punch something.
