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cheating...

bro its not a religious thing at all, at least not for me and probz alot of other peoples. discuss theories and natural instincts all u want. if OP's ex felt it was natural then she shoulda just admitted it and came clean. the cheating act itself isnt really the problem bros. its the lying, hiding, etc.
 
HeavenHarris said:
bro its not a religious thing at all, at least not for me and probz alot of other peoples. discuss theories and natural instincts all u want. if OP's ex felt it was natural then she shoulda just admitted it and came clean. the cheating act itself isnt really the problem bros. its the lying, hiding, etc.
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I don't disagree. Relationships don't function well without trust, honesty, etc. Don't confuse my general feelings on the broader subject of monogamy from what I think about the specific case at hand.

It may or may not be a religious issue in this specific case, but Western Culture's views of sex, marriage, and morality are infused through and through with religious beliefs/philosophies so much so that they simply cannot be separated. Thus, while in this case our friend may not see this as a religious issue, the cultural values that likely are influencing how he processes this event, have a definite and strong religious component. For whatever that's worth.

I'm not trying to derail the post into a religious discussion either. Just sharing some things I've been thinking about that are somewhat related to the topic. You can take or leave them, doesn't matter to me.

As a side note, I travel a lot for work and see first hand a great deal of sexual shenanigans going on. It has gotten me to thinking more about this issue and trying to understand it.
 
HeavenHarris said:
bro its not a religious thing at all, at least not for me and probz alot of other peoples. discuss theories and natural instincts all u want. if OP's ex felt it was natural then she shoulda just admitted it and came clean. the cheating act itself isnt really the problem bros. its the lying, hiding, etc.
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Yeah, basically this. You can't excuse past acts of deception by moralizing the subject of the deception. The crime, in my opinion, is more the deception than the act.
 
To clarify, the reason we are not married is that we went attend different colleges from two different states that are very far away. She was my highschool sweetheart and it became long distance relationship. We visit each other about 4 times a year, almost every school break and summer for weeks at a time. The event was only once, but it was multiple sex acts with one person she dated for months behind my back 4 years ago. The point is that (me being idiotic) is that I didn't know it was sexual. One friend ratted her out but thought it was just a kissing session here and there and all her best friends covered her back and said it was nothing sexual (but they knew everything). Yesterday, one of the friends felt bad for me and told me the truth and I had to pressure her for an hour to get it out of her.

I asked her multiple times if it was sexual and she said "no", that's why I forgave her after many months. It was the only and first cheat was when we graduated high school and split off to go to different colleges (and a million other reasons), we were both ridiculously busy and I understand how she may have felt lonely. If I had known it was sexual, I would dropped her ASAP, but she lied to me for 4 years straight because she knew what had happened. Now its at the point where we have become very emotionally attached to each other, I'm positive she had be loyal for the past 4 years. Its just disturbing as **** and I'm depressed. I've been tested a few times but I raised with extreme dedication and loyalty, so I would never cheat back. Honestly, I think everyone will say that I should left when it immediately happened (regardless of she did with the other person). It is a very bad sign that someone had to rat her out in the first/second place.

i know a lot of people on Jazzfanz is older than I am and have more unique experiences, that is why your answer is important. Thanks again.
 
asian_roger said:
To clarify, the reason we are not married is that we went attend different colleges from two different states that are very far away. She was my highschool sweetheart and it became long distance relationship. We visit each other about 4 times a year, almost every school break and summer for weeks at a time. It was only once, but it was multiple sex acts with one person she dated for months behind my back 4 years ago. The point is that (me being idiotic) is that I didn't know it was sexual. One friend ratted her out but thought it was just a kissing session here and there and all her best friends covered her back and said it was nothing sexual (but they knew everything). Yesterday, one of the friends felt bad for me and told me the truth and I had to pressure her for an hour to get it out of her.

I asked her multiple times if it was sexual and she said "no", that's why I forgave her after many months. It was the only and first cheat was when we graduated high school and split off to go to different colleges (and a million other reasons), we were both ridiculously busy and I understand how she may have felt lonely. If I had known it was sexual, I would dropped her ASAP, but she lied to me for 4 years straight because she knew what had happened. Now its at the point where we have become very emotionally attached to each other, I'm positive she had be loyal for the past 4 years. Its just disturbing as **** and I'm depressed. I've been tested a few times but I raised with extreme dedication and loyalty, so I would never cheat back. Honestly, I think everyone will say that I should left when it immediately happened (regardless of she did with the other person). It is a very bad sign that someone had to rat her out in the first/second place.

i know a lot of people on Jazzfanz is older than I am and have more unique experiences, that is why your answer is important. Thanks again.
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Heed no advice, but only take it all in .. in the end this is about you, a unique individual, and her, a unique individual. You have nothing to prove, to anyone. Life is too precious and too short to do anything but find love and fun. Do it.
 
I agree with PKM.... Anyone who says the would do this or that if they were being cheated on don't know if that is how it would really go down....

Until it happens to you, you really don't know and these guys don't know you, your girl friend or your relationship...

Take time and then make the decision!!!
 
OK, so from what you've said, you're still pretty young (still in college?) and this happened when you were about 18 years old and had already been going out for 2 years, and now it's four years later... do I have that straight?


I guess my feeling is that at the time this happened, you both were at a point in your life when a lot of things were changing - and you were both branching out into new experiences apart from each other. I suppose you both realized this, and that's at least part of the reason you were able to get past the difficult time and remain together.

It's understandable to me that you'd be upset now to find out that you weren't told the entire truth four years ago, but on the other hand, what if you had never found out the latest piece of information? From your girlfriend's perspective, perhaps she wasn't really lying to you at all, just not telling all the details. And after the two of you went though a rough patch and your relationship seemed to come out stronger, it seems normal she'd just leave well enough alone. Do you think she expected that four years later someone would suddenly decide to spill the beans? Or is this something that was discussed often over the past four years, and she actively lied to you? At least to me, that would make a bit of a difference. I would be less upset about a lie that was told four years ago and then remained dormant.

Anyhow, good luck and I sincerely hope you feel better.
 
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