What's new
By:
Filters

Need some advice, please

S

Surely

Well-Known Member
I was talking with a neighbor last night and I mentioned that my 10 year old hasn't seen his 10 year old in a while. His response was "He's in prison". He went on to explain that the kid has some behavioral problems at home (he is the nicest kid when he comes to our house) so they lock him in his room. Last weekend he lost the privilege of his bed so he slept on the floor with 2 blankets and no pillows. Sometimes he loses his meals and is fed bread and water.

I usually stay out of people's way when they discipline their kids, but this seems a little over the top. Does anybody have some advice for dealing with this situation?
 
Hope the move!

That's tricky. We had neighbors years ago who rented the house next to us for about 3 years, they had 4 boys ages 4 - 10 at the time they moved in (roughly the same ages as my kids) - - the family was a little weird, seemed nice enough but I think the mom had a little agoraphobia or something - she was friendly as long as she was in her house or yard, but much different anywhere else, and she seldom left the house without her husband.

At any rate, the boys had the worst potty mouths you could imagine, and not just 4-letter words, but really vile stuff, and making threats, but kid-type threats, not anything you'd really get upset about. The mom would frequently lock a couple of them out of the house. It was weird. A few times they made the boys sleep out in a tent in the front yard (the house has no back yard) for a night or two - even through thunder storms and stuff. Partly it was punishment, and partly I think it was just her way of giving herself some peace and quiet. But they boys always were fed well, even if they were stuck out in the tent, one of the brothers or a parent would bring them food and let them eat, they just wouldn't be allowed in the house (except maybe to pee)

I tried to talk to the mom and dad a bit, mainly just in generic terms about kids - but they seemed to think it was OK, and that the boys liked to stay outside, and that it was good for them to have a little time apart since the four boys shared 2 bedrooms. I spoke with two of their teachers twice, but the kids were OK in school, and the teachers really didn't see anything to be concerned about other than the kids using inappropriate language at times. I know they had the school social worker involved a little at one point, but I'm not sure exactly why or what prompted his involvement.

So I guess I don't have any really good advice, other than if the boy goes to the same school as your son, and you feel comfortable talking with the teachers, perhaps mention that you have some concerns about your son's friendship with the child, and see where that conversation goes.

At any rate, it seems to me that the best time to initiate a conversation with the parents would have been when they first mentioned these issues to you - - so if it comes up again, maybe ask them if they've sought any sort of professional help, or had their son tested for ADHD, or just ask them if those methods seem to be working for them, and see where the conversation goes.
 
If all parents were as stern with their children then maybe I would find airline flights and restaurant meals far more enjoyable. Children should be seen and not heard if you absolutely must parade your loathsome crotch-fruit in public.

I heartily approve!
 
moevillini said:
personally, unless I thought the child was in imminent danger, I would rather try to pursue other routes before taking this one
Click to expand...

I agree. You should wait until you know that the child is being locked in a closet and on the brink of starvation. Then you should act.

Seriously, why are you asking this? If it bothers you, contact the authorities. Maybe a bishop/priest/clergyman can even stop by.
 
I've done things in the name of discipline that I am sure others think is horrible.

When they wouldn't eat their dinner because "It's icky" I've let them go straight to bed with no dinner and then serve that "icky" meal to them the next morning for breakfast. Of course it was placed in tupperware and then reheated but does anyone really want reheated meatloaf and mashed potatos for breakfast?

My other daughter had a habit of running to her room and slamming the door when she was upset. She was warned and eventually lost her door. Try being a 15 year old girl with no bedroom door. It took her all of one day to apologize with zeal and promise never to slam her door again. It worked. She hasn't slammed her door since.

As long as it is not placing the child in physical or psychological danger I see nothing wrong with creative measures used for discipline. Eating bread and water is better than eating nothing at all.
 
One Brow said:
You should be able to make an anonymous report to children's services.
Click to expand...

I don't know about MO; but in NJ you can't make anonymous reports to children's services. My friend tried to report her neice and they wouldn't file an offical report unless she gave them her name.

As for the original poster the parents certainly seem extreme but I doubt it be viewed as excessive by the state to the point where they'd do anything substantial.
 
Surely said:
I was talking with a neighbor last night and I mentioned that my 10 year old hasn't seen his 10 year old in a while. His response was "He's in prison". He went on to explain that the kid has some behavioral problems at home (he is the nicest kid when he comes to our house) so they lock him in his room. Last weekend he lost the privilege of his bed so he slept on the floor with 2 blankets and no pillows. Sometimes he loses his meals and is fed bread and water.

I usually stay out of people's way when they discipline their kids, but this seems a little over the top. Does anybody have some advice for dealing with this situation?
Click to expand...

If I were you, I wouldn't wait to make an anonymous report.

It's one thing to discipline your child and it's another thing to make the kid think he's in "prison", feed him only bread and water (that's depriving him of what a growing boy needs, it surely can't be healthy), and take his bed away (that's crazy to me). If your neighbor is willing to share that info (which is both physical and physiological abuse) imagine what he's not sharing. That type of parenting is sure to mess up a child imo.
 
Marcus said:
When they wouldn't eat their dinner because "It's icky" I've let them go straight to bed with no dinner and then serve that "icky" meal to them the next morning for breakfast. Of course it was placed in tupperware and then reheated but does anyone really want reheated meatloaf and mashed potatos for breakfast?
Click to expand...

LOL - the "Joan Crawford" approach. Do they have to call you Daddy Dearest?
 
I don't think this is a situation that requires child protective services. I think parents should have a lot of leeway when it comes to how they discipline their kids. They are, after all, the ones who are ultimately responsible for their children's actions. I find it a little hard to swallow that you can be held accountable for your children's actions, yet you are not allowed to guide/punish them as you see fit to encourage them to act in a way you find acceptable.

I say that but we don't so much as spank our son. I wasn't spanked or excessively punished as a child, either. I think it is perfectly possible to raise a very well disciplined child using mostly communication. I just don't think it's my business to tell another parent that they can't use time out and diet restrictions (as long as the children aren't malnourished) to punish their own children.
 
Ask him if you could interview the child, from behind plate-glass. See if this kid is as smart as they say. Will he smell your perfume? Will he be able to trace your roots back to a small coal mining town in West Virginia? Will Multiple Miggs fling his ejaculate at you?
 
Tell that kid to befriend the Squirrell Master for protection.
 
Marcus said:
My other daughter had a habit of running to her room and slamming the door when she was upset. She was warned and eventually lost her door. Try being a 15 year old girl with no bedroom door. It took her all of one day to apologize with zeal and promise never to slam her door again. It worked. She hasn't slammed her door since.
Click to expand...

I personally loved that one! I've got a 10 year old daughter that is tending toward that kind of behavior, so I'll have to keep that in mind.
 
colton said:
I personally loved that one! I've got a 10 year old daughter that is tending toward that kind of behavior, so I'll have to keep that in mind.
Click to expand...

I did it. My son was only 7, but it worked.
 
moevillini said:
Hope the move!

That's tricky. We had neighbors years ago who rented the house next to us for about 3 years, they had 4 boys ages 4 - 10 at the time they moved in (roughly the same ages as my kids) - - the family was a little weird, seemed nice enough but I think the mom had a little agoraphobia or something - she was friendly as long as she was in her house or yard, but much different anywhere else, and she seldom left the house without her husband.

At any rate, the boys had the worst potty mouths you could imagine, and not just 4-letter words, but really vile stuff, and making threats, but kid-type threats, not anything you'd really get upset about. The mom would frequently lock a couple of them out of the house. It was weird. A few times they made the boys sleep out in a tent in the front yard (the house has no back yard) for a night or two - even through thunder storms and stuff. Partly it was punishment, and partly I think it was just her way of giving herself some peace and quiet. But they boys always were fed well, even if they were stuck out in the tent, one of the brothers or a parent would bring them food and let them eat, they just wouldn't be allowed in the house (except maybe to pee)

I tried to talk to the mom and dad a bit, mainly just in generic terms about kids - but they seemed to think it was OK, and that the boys liked to stay outside, and that it was good for them to have a little time apart since the four boys shared 2 bedrooms. I spoke with two of their teachers twice, but the kids were OK in school, and the teachers really didn't see anything to be concerned about other than the kids using inappropriate language at times. I know they had the school social worker involved a little at one point, but I'm not sure exactly why or what prompted his involvement.

So I guess I don't have any really good advice, other than if the boy goes to the same school as your son, and you feel comfortable talking with the teachers, perhaps mention that you have some concerns about your son's friendship with the child, and see where that conversation goes.

At any rate, it seems to me that the best time to initiate a conversation with the parents would have been when they first mentioned these issues to you - - so if it comes up again, maybe ask them if they've sought any sort of professional help, or had their son tested for ADHD, or just ask them if those methods seem to be working for them, and see where the conversation goes.
Click to expand...

This really bothered you? (I think I remember this story from another thread...) I thought there couldn't be a worse neighbor than my grandmother, but you, sir, could give her a run for the money.
 
I not one to tell others how to parent either, but this kind of thing taken too far has created some real monsters for society to deal with. You should either get more information, or, realize you don't know anything and are most likely worked up over a non-issue. Right now you know nothing. Ask what the kid is doing and maybe do it by mixing it with some sincere "what can I do to help or advize".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Share this page

Top