Need some advice, please

[Scat]

...and take his bed away (that's crazy to me).

I've threatened my kids with this very action before. After repeatedly asking them to make their beds in the morning with no action seen I threatened to take their bed away. If they can't appreciate the hard work that their mother puts into keeping their bedding clean by spending 60 seconds every morning and simply making their bed then maybe they don't deserve a bed. It wouldn't kill them to sleep on the floor for a few nights. I'd make sure they had a quilt to lay under and a pillow for their head but the mattress, sheets and frame would be gone.

LOL - the "Joan Crawford" approach. Do they have to call you Daddy Dearest?

There are no wire hangers involved in the discipline of my children. And a simple Daddy will do just fine.

Stuff like whipping a child with a belt or locking them in a closet goes way over the line IMO.

My other daughter had a habit of running to her room and slamming the door when she was upset. She was warned and eventually lost her door. Try being a 15 year old girl with no bedroom door. It took her all of one day to apologize with zeal and promise never to slam her door again. It worked. She hasn't slammed her door since.

I personally loved that one! I've got a 10 year old daughter that is tending toward that kind of behavior, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

I've actually gotten a lot of mileage out of this one. This one action has led the kids to believe that if I make a threat I'll carry it out. That said, I haven't needed to carry out a threat for quite a while since the door incident.

One of the funnier things I've ever seen happened to my best friend growing up. We were in 8th grade and his mom had been asking him for weeks to pick up his room. As we are getting off the bus after school, there sits a giant poster board propped up in his front yard. Attached to the board are his dirty underwear, socks, empty cereal bowls... I think there was even a SI Swimsuit issue attached to the board. Just all sorts of crap from his bedroom. In big letters across the top, "______ wouldn't clean his room. Could you live in this filth?" I've never seen my friend run so fast. He was on top of that poster board and had it ripped to the ground in seconds!! LOL

 

[Duck Rodgers]

This reminds me of the show, "What Would You do?" Does anyone else watch this?

Yup. The one where the hot chick is trying to steal the bike and the guys are just falling all over themselves to help her while their wives looked on in disgust was classic.

 

[colton]

I was talking with a neighbor last night and I mentioned that my 10 year old hasn't seen his 10 year old in a while. His response was "He's in prison". He went on to explain that the kid has some behavioral problems at home (he is the nicest kid when he comes to our house) so they lock him in his room. Last weekend he lost the privilege of his bed so he slept on the floor with 2 blankets and no pillows. Sometimes he loses his meals and is fed bread and water.

I usually stay out of people's way when they discipline their kids, but this seems a little over the top. Does anybody have some advice for dealing with this situation?

That's a tough one. I have a hard time picturing any sort of circumstance where a child should have that type of thing done for any sort of extended amount of time. Sent to his room for an evening, sure. Locked in his room for days? Never. Fed bread and water for one meal after complaining? Sure. Fed bread and water repeatedly for days? Never.

So, I'm asking myself, if I were in your shoes, what would I do? Like others, I would be wary of getting child services involved, but I also wouldn't want to do nothing. If I had a fairly good relationship with the dad, I might say, "Hey, I really hate saying this, because I don't feel like I should generally interfere with how others raise their kids, but some things you told me the other day are really troubling me... I'm having a hard time seeing how that is an appropriate response to any behavior by a child." And see if the dad will give you any more info. Maybe the kid really is Satan personified at home, and that's the only possible way of dealing with him (I doubt it). Or maybe you misunderstood the dad, and the "locked in room" business was just a 2-hour stint, or something like that.

If the guy were a member of my ward (I don't know if either/both of you are LDS), but I didn't know him that well, I might well talk to the bishop about it, and have him talk to the dad or at least warn the kid's teachers in the ward to watch for signs of abuse. If my kid and his kid were in the same class at school, I might talk to the teacher, again to alert the teacher that something odd is going on and to watch for other possible signs of abuse.

Good luck choosing what to do. It sounds like for you own peace of mind you should do *something*, though. Otherwise you'll never forgive yourself if anything does happen to the kid.

Edit: another thing you should do is read up on signs of abuse yourself. If you recognize any of those signs in the child from when he was over at your house before, then you should almost certainly get child services involved.

 

[CONAN]

For the OP, I'd say do nothing for now. That's a little weird but if it's for a short time then no biggie.

Creative discipline is nice but sometimes I find it interesting how much parents/teachers will put themselves out just to discipline a kid. They (parents/teachers) punish themselves more sometimes. But other times those methods work.

I tend to keep it simple and just put the fear of God in them early on and then draw on that. "Please don't slam your door or my foot will be in your ***", "Please don't do drugs or my foot will be in your ***", "Please get good grades or my foot will be in your ***".

 

[One Brow]

I've done things in the name of discipline that I am sure others think is horrible.

None of that seemed horrible to me. Then again, I regularly ate leftovers for breakfast, before I had teen-aged sons.

I don't think this is a situation that requires child protective services. I think parents should have a lot of leeway when it comes to how they discipline their kids. They are, after all, the ones who are ultimately responsible for their children's actions. I find it a little hard to swallow that you can be held accountable for your children's actions, yet you are not allowed to guide/punish them as you see fit to encourage them to act in a way you find acceptable.

If evey parent disciplined their child in a rational fashion, carefully weighting the combined measures of communication, punishment, and the child's own personality, I would agree with you. However, too many parents discipline in ways that are destructive and coutner-productive, causing their kids to act out even more.

 

[Scat]

For the OP, I'd say do nothing for now. That's a little weird but if it's for a short time then no biggie.

Creative discipline is nice but sometimes I find it interesting how much parents/teachers will put themselves out just to discipline a kid. They (parents/teachers) punish themselves more sometimes. But other times those methods work.

I tend to keep it simple and just put the fear of God in them early on and then draw on that. "Please don't slam your door or my foot will be in your ***", "Please don't do drugs or my foot will be in your ***", "Please get good grades or my foot will be in your ***".

Physical threats works with boys. Not girls. If I told my daughters that I would put a foot in their *** for slamming their door you know what would happen? Yup, they'd burst into tears, run to their room and... slam the door.

Most of the more creative punishments I come up with are for the girls. I don't think my son could care less if he has a bedroom door.

Motivating girls is also much more difficult than boys. If I tell my son that he can't accomplish something he'll go out and do it just to prove me wrong. Tell that to my daughters and I get tears and, "Why can't you just support me!?"

 

[Gyp Rosetti]

If all parents were as stern with their children then maybe I would find airline flights and restaurant meals far more enjoyable. Children should be seen and not heard if you absolutely must parade your loathsome crotch-fruit in public.

I heartily approve!

This. I don't let kids speak in my class.

 

[Gyp Rosetti]

Ask him if you could interview the child, from behind plate-glass. See if this kid is as smart as they say. Will he smell your perfume? Will he be able to trace your roots back to a small coal mining town in West Virginia? Will Multiple Miggs fling his ejaculate at you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e5SV3uzgX4

 

[UB]

Somebody needs to replace the music on the scene where Bill tucks it (Goodbye Horses) with "Party In The USA."

 

[moevillini]

neither here nor there, but it's interesting how some folks are much quicker to get the "state" involved than others, yet I wonder if some of them are the same folks who complain about the so-called "nanny state"


At any rate, Surely, good luck figuring it all out.

 

[franklin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e5SV3uzgX4

How did you find video of the fellow I'm not going to name but everyone knows I'm referring to?

 

[franklin]

Most of the more creative punishments I come up with are for the girls. I don't think my son could care less if he has a bedroom door.

Have your boys discovered the Victoria's Secret mailer yet?

 

[UB]

How did you find video of the fellow I'm not going to name but everyone knows I'm referring to?

theres this intranet we're all using to look for stuff and things

 

[YB85]

neither here nor there, but it's interesting how some folks are much quicker to get the "state" involved than others, yet I wonder if some of them are the same folks who complain about the so-called "nanny state".

When it comes to a child, I would rather err on the side of being too cautious than kick myself for the rest of my life that maybe I should have done something.

 

[Scat]

Have your boys discovered the Victoria's Secret mailer yet?

It comes while they are at school. No way they get to it before I get to it, dog ear all the pages with stuff that my wife needs and then give it to her.

 

[franklin]

When it comes to a child, I would rather err on the side of being too cautious than kick myself for the rest of my life that maybe I should have done something.

Yes, I see your point. The protestants took the same route when they nailed kids ears to a board in the center of the town for not knowing the bible well enough. Salem drowned witches. Captain Pratt knew he could "Killed the Savage, and Save the Man".

The point I'm making is society's ideas on rearing others' children aren't right. I think if you're going to draw a line in the sand then it should be very well thought out, and err on the side of the parents [who I believe God sent those children to].

 

[YB85]

Yes, I see your point. The protestants took the same route when they nailed kids ears to a board in the center of the town for not knowing the bible well enough. Salem drowned witches. Captain Pratt knew he could "Killed the Savage, and Save the Man".

The point I'm making is society's ideas on rearing others' children aren't right. I think if you're going to draw a line in the sand then it should be very well thought out, and err on the side of the parents [who I believe God sent those children to].

Yeah, err on the side of the parents. God wouldn't send them to someone who would do them harm, right?

 

[Archie Moses]

When it comes to a child, I would rather err on the side of being too cautious than kick myself for the rest of my life that maybe I should have done something.

This.

 

[Surely]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. To be honest, I didn't sleep all that well last night. As I said in my op, I usually stay out of how people raise their kids, but something about the whole situation rubbed me wrong. A little more of the story is that the father is his step dad. His mom remarried last year (they met online and had a quick wedding) and about 6 months ago they moved to the Logan area from Texas. The real dad is Samoan and was pretty abusive. So you mix all of this together and you get one big mess. My only thoughts right now are for what is best for this kid. The step father mentioned last night that they are at wits end of how to curb his behavior at home. I asked what kind of stuff he does and was basically told that he teased his sisters (12 and 16) and was obnoxious (to be fair, I don't know how he defines obnoxious, but he is an older guy so maybe his tolerance for younger kids isn't what others' would be). I have no idea what he did to lose his "bed privileges" or what he does to lose his meals. I will do some more asking, but it really bothered me that the dad was so forthcoming with what he did tell me. Is there stuff going on that he isn't telling?

My son is in his class at school and says that he talks all the time, perhaps trying to earn the attention he lacks for good chunks of the day. Thanks again for everyone's advice.

 

[moevillini]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. To be honest, I didn't sleep all that well last night. As I said in my op, I usually stay out of how people raise their kids, but something about the whole situation rubbed me wrong. A little more of the story is that the father is his step dad. His mom remarried last year (they met online and had a quick wedding) and about 6 months ago they moved to the Logan area from Texas. The real dad is Samoan and was pretty abusive. So you mix all of this together and you get one big mess. My only thoughts right now are for what is best for this kid. The step father mentioned last night that they are at wits end of how to curb his behavior at home. I asked what kind of stuff he does and was basically told that he teased his sisters (12 and 16) and was obnoxious (to be fair, I don't know how he defines obnoxious, but he is an older guy so maybe his tolerance for younger kids isn't what others' would be). I have no idea what he did to lose his "bed privileges" or what he does to lose his meals. I will do some more asking, but it really bothered me that the dad was so forthcoming with what he did tell me. Is there stuff going on that he isn't telling?

My son is in his class at school and says that he talks all the time, perhaps trying to earn the attention he lacks for good chunks of the day. Thanks again for everyone's advice.

Thanks for the follow-up, and I think it's good that you're in communication with the parents, and that your son sees the boy in school, so their lines of communication are open too. Regarding the father's use of the term "prison" - - maybe he just meant it as sort of a joke, but really meant it more like the kid is/was grounded? You were there so you'll have to use your judgment. Good luck.