Another update: I've cracked the archive code and can pull up every thread from the old board. I'll email any thread you wish for $100. Thank you.
No lie it's all there:
"So, I've debated on whether or not I wanted to tell this story, but then I remembered Larry's Elbows thread, and thought, why not.
Urban Dictionary defines the following:
Shart
A cross between farting and dropping a load in your pants. Typically of a runny consistency. There are 5 categories of Sharts. Also known as a Foop.
Cat 1) Wet Sensation
Cat 2) Wet Underwear
Cat 3) Soak thru to inside of pants
Cat 4) Soak thru pants (Visible to general public)
Cat 5) Runs down to socks. (Oh my god, run for your life)
Anything of Category 4 or higher require showers. The lesser categories can be dealt with using alternative cleansing methods.
There I was, quietly and softly enjoying the last 5 minutes of a splendid Sunday afternoon nap. I was in a shirt and some ball shorts, warm and snug under the covers. I just happen to be laying on my wife's side of the bed, because my little girl was sleeping on my side next to me. It was perfect. This is when things started to get, shall we say, interesting... My wife comes in and is like, "Time to get your lazy butt out of bed, fatty." And I was like, "Just 5 more minutes... please...?" And she was like, "No." She then turned on the light and ripped the sheets off me -- how rude, I thought. So, I did what any good husband would do -- I pushed out a cute little fart and told her that she was rude, and that's what I thought of her rudeness. She was like, "You're such a pig, but I love your sexy self anyhow." And I was like, "Oh ya? Pig this...!" I then proceeded to push out a monster fart, you know, putting my back into it for the full effect... then it happened.
You know that one weird Mormon song, "If you could high to kolob in a twinkling of an eye", or whatever, well, that's about how fast it happened. In a twinkling, I had hot steamy man-poop shooting out of me in all directions. Now I'm a fat/slow guy and not the fastest creature on the planet, but when you feel the initial wetness and hear the unmistakable sound of liquid sewage being thrust from your crevasse, you tend to move like your nuts are on fire. In the split second it took me to get up and standing, runny butt-chocolate had 'seeped' up the top of my shorts, out the middle of my shorts, and all over my wife's side of the bed. Waddling to the bathroom, I could hear off in the distance the sound of my wife laughing hysterically, all the while asking, "Did you really just crap yourself -- ALL OVER MY SIDE of the bed?"
There are some finer details that I have left out, for the sake of our younger readers, but it got a tad bit worse during the "Clean-up Phase". Anyhow, that was the first time in 15 years or so that I've dropped a deuce in my pants, and the first time it has happened when I haven't been sick as a dog or eaten something rotten. I'm glad you're all here to listen to me. I hope you all have a Happy New Year.
Cheers!"
