Today has been a bad day

[Hitman]

I know folks have worse days than I had today, but I need to vent.

A few years ago I had a bust-up with my dad and sister. She interfered in something I was organising and then my dad decided to stick his oar in and rang my wife and abused her (told her he'd never liked her, and neither did my late mother, amongst other things). So I rang him and told him to go to you-know-where and that my sister could go with him.

My sister kept sending my kids birthday and Xmas cards though. It was my daughter's birthday recently and in it was a note saying "Auntie's moving soon, this is my mobile number." which my wife and I thought a bit odd, and obviously intended for me, not my daughter. My kids barely remember my sister and dad, they saw them so rarely anyway. Then a change of address notification from my sister arrived - with just her name, not her husbands.

So I figured my sister was desperately trying to tell me she needed to see me, so I put aside my anger (and boy am I angry) and went and saw her. What I guessed had happened was what had happened; her husband of over 25 years had left her for another woman. So we talked for a while, but then she brought up dad. She kept saying "there's two sides to the story" and "it was all a big misunderstanding" but couldn't seem to grasp the essential problem; when things went pear-shaped, dad had said to her, "I'm going to ring Wendy [my wife] and tell her exactly what I think of her." Which he did, which was why my wife was so upset and why I am so angry. But my sister seemed to think this shouldn't be a problem and even implied it was all MY fault. Really? So my dad says things to my wife that she says are so bad she doesn't even wanted to tell me what he said, and this is my fault? And I'm supposed to just forgive and forget? Heck, I told my sister that Wendy has said she would never forgive him, and neither will I, but I don't think it registered. Same old same old - how I feel just doesn't matter to my family.

Anyway, although I fell sorry for my sister and what's happening to her - it's barely been a month since they separated and her not-yet-ex is already engaged, yet he took years to marry my sister (and even then they eloped, which broke my mother's heart) - I left feeling just as bitter and angry as before I went to see her.

Not looking for compassion, sympathy advice or anything, just wanted to let out my rage.

 

[Dr. Jones]

Glad you could get it out, Mantis. You didn't ask for advice, but here it is..

It is admirable that you stand with your wife. There is only one person you choose in this life, your spouse. You don't choose your mom or your dad, you don't choose your children.. and in order to have a marriage that works, you have to he strong with and for one another. (Not to say you must always agree)

However, holding onto anger and rage is pointless.. completely. I suspect if you sat down with your wife, told her the anger has made you tired and you want to let it go (you can still vehemently disapprove of what was said/done but just move past it emotionally), you could both get there and find happiness/peace in the void left behind by letting go of the anger.

I'd recommend you try it, I bet you'll be glad you did.

 

[Gameface]

That's tough, man. Hard to lose family relationships but honestly you've got to set your priorities and it seems most natural to me that if you love your wife and are committed to her that if your side of the family has driven a wedge between them and her that you stick with her. It's up to them to mend that bridge. But as much as possible I'd suggest putting aside your pride and letting them know that you want that bridge.

I lost my father to suicide and my mother to cancer. My father was a shock. I hadn't seen him in two years but was about to move back home and I knew he wasn't happy but I was excited to reunite and have a man to man relationship with him. Thought it would make a difference. Never got the chance to find out. After my father's death my relationship with my mother soured. I had always been very close to my mother but a few issues that came up in the wake of my father's death made me see her in a new light. It was tense all the way up until she found out she had stage 4 terminal cancer. Honestly, and it hurts me now to say it, but I was relieved. I watched her die and didn't feel much either way.

Then my life fell apart and I didn't care if I lived or died or if my family survived my destruction. I hope this doesn't sound too sappy but I'm honestly crying as I type this. I've lost a lot of pride. I've lost a lot more than that. I probably should have done a lot of things differently, but once it's too late it's too late, if you know what I mean. Don't sit on your high horse and watch the foundation beneath you get washed away. The fall can be hard.

 

[Surely]

Here's a little story my dad passed along to me...

AStoryTo Live By
by Ann Wells (Los Angeles Times)

My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister’s bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. “This,” he said, “is not a slip. This is lingerie.” He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. “Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion.” He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you’re alive is a special occasion.” I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister’s family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn’t seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special. I’m still thinking about his words, and they’ve changed my life. I’m reading more and dusting less. I’m sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I’m not “saving” anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends’. “Someday” and “one of these days” are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now! I’m not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I’m guessing-I’ll never know. It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

 

[Dr. Jones]

^word.

Thx for sharing.

 

[fishonjazz]

Good job guys.
I appreciate the sharing

 

[moevillini]

I tend to think that forgiveness is overrated to a large extent. Have you just tried to move on without thinking that there had to be some aspect of forgiveness involved in the process?

Maybe it's counterproductive to expend energy trying to forgive - use that energy to try for a new relationship with your sister. What ever happened, she's right - there are two sides. You don't necessarily have to understand the other side if you each can just accept that you see it differently, put it in the past and move on.

A cordial relationship with a sister you see on an occasional basis doesn't have to have perfect trust and understanding.


Sent from the JazzFanz app

 

[Dr. Jones]

...more gold. ^

 

[Harambe]

I'm sorry you've had a bad day. Family is a tricky situation.. most of my family I don't hate but am forced to stay away from, and have stayed mostly away from for going on 6 years now.

To that, I'll say this: Family is what, and who you make it. Don't buy in to blood is thicker than water, it's just going to hold you down. There comes a time in every person's life where you've just gotta do what's best for you and yours. You create what is you and yours.

It's very much that simple.

 

[Stoked]

For me, if someone cannot accept my wife and love her as a full on member of the family then they cannot accept me or my kids.

you absolutely made the right call. Your Dad needs to come back and unconditionally apologize. period.

 

[franklin]

Here's a little story my dad passed along to me...

AStoryTo Live By
by Ann Wells (Los Angeles Times)

My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister’s bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. “This,” he said, “is not a slip. This is lingerie.” He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. “Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion.” He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you’re alive is a special occasion.” I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister’s family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn’t seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special. I’m still thinking about his words, and they’ve changed my life. I’m reading more and dusting less. I’m sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I’m not “saving” anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends’. “Someday” and “one of these days” are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now! I’m not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I’m guessing-I’ll never know. It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

Living for today or tomorrow both bring their own measure of happiness. Live only for tomorrow and you won't enjoy it when it gets here. Live only for today and you'll become lazy and soon not enjoy anything. Happiness lies in the balance, and picking what to enjoy now and what to enjoy tomorrow.

 

[bigb]

This topic is pretty close to home for me. I haven't been on speaking terms with either of my brothers for about five years. I haven't even seen my older brother in about three years. Over much the same as your situation. They both decided one day to take out all their own troubles on my wife, berating her in a spot where I wasn't around. To me, that speaks to their character, not my wife's. my older brother spent five minutes yelling at my wife, telling her that she is the main reason behind every problem our family has, blah blah blah. The irony there is that nobody in my extended family really has anything to do with him either. None of our cousins really like him (by their own admission). When everybody heard about what happened and the things he said, they all laughed at the irony as he is the elitist prick who views himself so far above everybody else. A couple years ago, my mom said the only thing she wanted for Mothers Day was to have all four of her kids and all of her grand kids in the same room at the same time. Guess who refused to show up? Yep, my awesome older brother.
Like I said, when someone acts like that, they're usually transferring from themselves to someone else.