When Your Best Friend is Cheating...

[JazzGal]

What can one say?

Can't really ask this elsewhere. My friend of over 40 years, who has been married for almost 35 years, is now cheating on her husband with another woman. She confides in me exclusively, so I'm her only voice of reason.

She knows I grew up with a serially cheating father, and her own father had an affair, so she knows the impact this has on families. Yet she feels that this relationship is special, meant to be, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

 

[Douchebag K]

What can one say?

Can't really ask this elsewhere. My friend of over 40 years, who has been married for almost 35 years, is now cheating on her husband with another woman. She confides in me exclusively, so I'm her only voice of reason.

She knows I grew up with a serially cheating father, and her own father had an affair, so she knows the impact this has on families. Yet she feels that this relationship is special, meant to be, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

rough situation. Everyone in that situation thinks it's special, meant to be etc but the truth is these affair relationships aren't real. They aren't in the context of real life with real pressures etc. They're just like eating candy.

I think it's incredibly unfair of someone to put you in that situation, and very selfish. What's your outlook for how you think you should handle it ?

 

[One Brow]

What can one say?

Can't really ask this elsewhere. My friend of over 40 years, who has been married for almost 35 years, is now cheating on her husband with another woman. She confides in me exclusively, so I'm her only voice of reason.

She knows I grew up with a serially cheating father, and her own father had an affair, so she knows the impact this has on families. Yet she feels that this relationship is special, meant to be, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

It's hard to separate out your childhood experiences here.

Is your friend a member of a socially conservative congregation, and expressing her true self for the first time? Is she seeking to fulfill something lacking? Was she just bored? Without this type of context, there's no real advice to give.

You have to follow your heart here. You have a good one.

 

[JazzGal]

It's hard to separate out your childhood experiences here.

Is your friend a member of a socially conservative congregation, and expressing her true self for the first time? Is she seeking to fulfill something lacking? Was she just bored? Without this type of context, there's no real advice to give.

You have to follow your heart here. You have a good one.

She, like me, grew up LDS and we both resigned our memberships nearly 10 years ago. Her husband is still active LDS but they had worked through it. Oddly, her new love is also LDS.

She and I are about as different as we can be. She has always pushed boundaries while I am a rulekeeper. After leaving the church, she went through a mild rebellious period (getting tattoos, getting drunk, etc). I did not. I love her because she challenges my thinking, and we have always loved talking to each other.

She still loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. She has tried to talk to him about this, but he has not wanted to have the discussion, understandably.

Most of her kids have met the woman, but so far seem to think this is a new, intense friendship. She is going to become a grandmother in a couple of weeks and realizes if her family figures out what is going on, she may not get to see her grandson much. Her children adore their father and would be devastated by this and would likely not be too forgiving.

She is risking her entire family, and she knows this. Yet she can't leave her. She wants to believe that somehow she can have this.

How I've handled it so far is to listen. I've told her that all I can see ahead for her is a lot of pain for everyone she loves. I'm not sugarcoating my feelings, but I'm also being gently reasonable. I've also reassured her that I will be in her corner, no matter what happens.

What I see is that her marriage has become a victim of time. Her husband doesn't cuddle with her except for when he wants sex. And she says sex with an old guy is a lot of work. He has not taken care of himself and is kind of a big, bearded, messy guy - but perhaps the kindest man I've ever know.

I suppose it is true - there probably isn't any advice anyone can give me. I'm just going to have to watch this soap opera play out. She knows this is a bad idea and is choosing it anyway. It's an incredibly selfish decision. And I can't stop it.

 

[Hearsky]

She, like me, grew up LDS and we both resigned our memberships nearly 10 years ago. Her husband is still active LDS but they had worked through it. Oddly, her new love is also LDS.

She and I are about as different as we can be. She has always pushed boundaries while I am a rulekeeper. After leaving the church, she went through a mild rebellious period (getting tattoos, getting drunk, etc). I did not. I love her because she challenges my thinking, and we have always loved talking to each other.

She still loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. She has tried to talk to him about this, but he has not wanted to have the discussion, understandably.

Most of her kids have met the woman, but so far seem to think this is a new, intense friendship. She is going to become a grandmother in a couple of weeks and realizes if her family figures out what is going on, she may not get to see her grandson much. Her children adore their father and would be devastated by this and would likely not be too forgiving.

She is risking her entire family, and she knows this. Yet she can't leave her. She wants to believe that somehow she can have this.

How I've handled it so far is to listen. I've told her that all I can see ahead for her is a lot of pain for everyone she loves. I'm not sugarcoating my feelings, but I'm also being gently reasonable. I've also reassured her that I will be in her corner, no matter what happens.

What I see is that her marriage has become a victim of time. Her husband doesn't cuddle with her except for when he wants sex. And she says sex with an old guy is a lot of work. He has not taken care of himself and is kind of a big, bearded, messy guy - but perhaps the kindest man I've ever know.

I suppose it is true - there probably isn't any advice anyone can give me. I'm just going to have to watch this soap opera play out. She knows this is a bad idea and is choosing it anyway. It's an incredibly selfish decision. And I can't stop it.

Of course there are many reasons for infidelity. But the way you describe her, have you ever had speculation of her having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

 

[JazzGal]

Of course there are many reasons for infidelity. But the way you describe her, have you ever had speculation of her having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

I haven't ever thought that. This is quite out of character for her.

 

[JazzGal]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

 

[Rubashov]

Of course there are many reasons for infidelity. But the way you describe her, have you ever had speculation of her having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

BPD normally presents much earlier in life. Its uncommon for someone with bipolar or BPD to be in a stable long term relationship.

Maybe its some sort of menopausal mid life crisis? I think douchebag is on the money tho.

Pretty big shift in life tho.

 

[Douchebag K]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

i think the really bad part is the emotional betrayal quite a bit more than the physical. And in that sense it doesn't really matter if it's with a man or woman

 

[Eminence]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

As a polyamorous man (so I've been around a few people trying to juggle multiple relationships), yeah, there's at least some truth to that for a fair number of people (comfortability with their partner having a partner that is not the same gender as them), not just men.

There can be a feeling of the partner trying something new or getting something else, instead of one where the partner is trying to replace them, which is easier for a lot of people to handle (kind of understandably imo, but to each their own).

Can't really say for this fellow, obviously.

And cheating is of course a whole different can of worms, because it's started in the dark I doubt it'll end well.

 

[fishonjazz]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

I think most men probably think its not quite as bad.


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[Al-O-Meter]

their daughter had cheated on her husband ...

Shocker.

I ran in to a friend the other day. He told me the unfortunate news that his wife had filed for divorce. My wife is acquainted with them but isn't close enough that they'd talk. I did not relay the news to her. I didn't mention running in to him at all. I know that divorce is contagious. The statistics on that are undeniable. I am not one to hide anything from my wife but I see even mentioning that someone in our extended circle getting a divorce as a risk to our marriage I'm not willing to entertain.

I haven't seen similar statistics on affairs, but I suspect it is the same. It isn't the way your friend's husband downplayed the daughter's infidelity. It is the daughter's infidelity.

 

[One Brow]

What I see is that her marriage has become a victim of time. Her husband doesn't cuddle with her except for when he wants sex. And she says sex with an old guy is a lot of work. He has not taken care of himself and is kind of a big, bearded, messy guy - but perhaps the kindest man I've ever know.

I suppose it is true - there probably isn't any advice anyone can give me. I'm just going to have to watch this soap opera play out. She knows this is a bad idea and is choosing it anyway. It's an incredibly selfish decision. And I can't stop it.

It sounds like the husband has stopped caring for or valuing her, and she's found that in someone else. If that's true, you're right. Nothing you say will change this.

 

[TheGoldStandard]

I think most men probably think its not quite as bad.


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Only if you can watch, lol.

In all seriousness, for me it would not make a difference. I told my wife when we dated that if she wanted to date other people she should. I've also told her if she is falling for someone else to be honest about it so we can continue to get along. You only live once, and should do what makes you happy. If I can't make her happy, then she should not be with me. However, if you have committed to be faithful to someone, you should be. If you can no longer make that commitment, be upfront and honest about it. The longer it drags on the worse it will be, especially for any kids that get wrapped up in the emotional baggage that comes with it.

JazzGal made an astute observation about how the husband has basically ignored her needs, has poor grooming, etc. You need to know your spouse's love language, whether it is attention, touch, etc., and make sure that need is fulfilled. Marriage takes work. You can make a lot of mistakes and have an imperfect marriage if you fulfill some basic desires and needs of your spouse.

Most cheating occurs because the person cheating is missing something in their home life that they need to be fulfilled. Sometimes they don't know, which is why upfront discussions can save a marriage, or at least help to keep the relationship from being completely severed.

I had a buddy that cheated on his to be wife during his bachelor party in Vegas (the girl he hooked up was having her bachelorette party as well). The other woman lived near me and he wanted to come visit me to continue the hookup, and I said no. Eventually the woman's husband found out about it and it ended their marriage. My buddy's wife never found out. If I were that other woman's husband, you'd be damn sure I'd be calling my buddy's wife to let her know. My friend lucked out. I'm sure he continues with other women and will eventually destroy his marriage. Feel bad for his wife.

 

[infection]

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

If I'm reading you correctly, you feel like your friend, out of comfort of your friendship, has put you in a position that you find uncomfortable. If your friend feels comfortable enough in your relationship to burden you with that, then you should feel comfortable enough in the relationship to handle that how you feel you can handle it and shouldn't feel you have to work harder at appeasing her in this situation than she's working (or not working) at appeasing you in her situation. It's not all on you to maintain an imbalance in expectation in the scenario.

 

[olden_undercover]

I've stated openly on this forum that my personal journey has included a long period where I was a serial cheater, and completely immersed in sex/love addiction. It cost me a marriage and years of what I can only describe as complete emotional blindness. JG, you said, "How I've handled it so far is to listen. I've told her that all I can see ahead for her is a lot of pain for everyone she loves. I'm not sugarcoating my feelings, but I'm also being gently reasonable. I've also reassured her that I will be in her corner, no matter what happens." I'm here to tell you, reflecting on my own experience, and how deluded I became by the "high" of pursuing the feeling of "being in love", or of sexual gratification, etc., that this observation is the sum total of what you can provide for your friend. She is on a path, and only she can alter her course. She probably will not do it. It's tempting to get caught up in her justifications, or anybody's justifications, for what her husband is/isn't doing to contribute to it, but that's all frankly irrelevant. Contextually, she didn't just decide out of the blue that she is attracted to women; this is more likely the inevitable expression of combined repressed identity issues and earlier trauma in her life. If she is willing to find a good therapist, and to be brutally honest with them, she can find a way through this that minimizes the damage to herself and her loved ones; if she wants to remain buried in the fairytale she's created, her chances of bringing about the extraordinary harm she seems to believe is possible are pretty high.

Either way, you're an exceptional friend to this woman, and I think we all know your online presence, at least, to be kind and conscientious. If you were my sister, I'd advise you to be really careful not to get too immersed in this woman's drama, and to make sure you are doing for yourself as much as or more than you are doing for her. But I suspect you know that already.

 

[Saint Cy of JFC]

Threesome

 

[str8line]

I agree with your statement that their relationship may have become a victim of time, JG. Did your friend marry young? I would think if your spouse were your first you might eventually wonder what a new love would feel like, especially when there's religion involved.

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[JazzGal]

Threesome

These people are all too old for that kind of energy.

 

[JazzGal]

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. There is a lot that will help me moving forward.