Why can't people who leave the LDS church move on?

[Beantown]

Everyone I know that has left the LDS church can't seem to move with their life's. They are obsessed with church still. It's all they talk and think about. Constant Facebook posts about the church or anti religious comments. The people talk more about the Church now then when they were members.

So why can't they move on to other endeavors? The Church is now consuming more of their time now then it was beforehand. I just don't understand it. It makes no sense.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

Everyone I know that has left the LDS church can't seem to move with their life's. They are obsessed with church still. It's all they talk and think about. Constant Facebook posts about the church or anti religious comments. The people talk more about the Church now then when they were members.

So why can't they move on to other endeavors? The Church is now consuming more of their time now then it was beforehand. I just don't understand it. It makes no sense.

As with all stereotypes, this one is wrong.

 

[LogGrad98]

I think part of it, from my experience, is feeling like they have wasted years of their lives on something they felt, in the end, was deceptive, and so there is a level of bitterness that will take years in turn to resolve itself. They are lashing out as a way to relieve that pressure and empty feeling of betrayal.

 

[LogGrad98]

As with all stereotypes, this one is wrong.

Not a stereotype, but likely someone bean knows who is doing this exact thing at this moment. I lived through it for 10 years+ with my sister-in-law who left the church after serial fornication and then became staunchly anti-mormon, indeed joining a church whose primary focus was helping to free people from the lies and bondage of the LDS church. You say stereotype just because you haven't dealt with a similar circumstance, but it is very real. And maybe "everyone" bean knows who has left the church is 3 people, in which case every is a true statement. I can say that I have acquaintances and friends who fit the spectrum, with several (if not many) who have left the church under similar circumstances as my SIL and then went down that same path of active hatred and fighting against it.

 

[Beantown]

It's not just one person. It's literally dozens. The are consumed with it. It's insanity.

 

[sirkickyass]

Of all people my mother tackled this very topic recently. Her theory is that the church penetrates and makes itself synonymous with all major family life events: births, marriages, deaths, the onset of adulthood of your children, and many major holidays. That makes disillusionment even more painful, and removing yourself from the church feels more like leaving your family than coming and going from a social club.

Her words:

For those who've never been LDS, you're probably wondering why people stick out their non belief.

All the milestones in your family's lives have been co opted by the church in the form of ordinances; ordinances performed in front of everyone by the father. Parents will not be allowed to participate in the ordinances if they don't have a temple recommend. You can't get a temple recommend unless you pass the "worthiness" interview. Tithing, attendance and profession of belief in Joseph Smith's restoration of Christ's one true church are inherent parts of being "worthy".

If you aren't worthy, you're shut out of baby blessings, baptisms, endowments and marriages. When a doofus neighbor is called in to take the father's place in the ceremony, it becomes clear that he has sinned, or worse, is an apostate. In short you are not a "forever family" in the eyes of the church and its members.

In this manner, you are trapped in an endless series of milestones. That is, unless the family comes to their disbelief together and together escape the multi generational cycle.

LG: I actually find it somewhat plausible that bean knows a higher percentage of people who are ardently ex mormon than you do. The church has a problem retaining younger members, which is contributing to the aging demography of the body.

 

[Beantown]

I see your point kicky but it's also guys I know where there whole family leaves the church. Wife and kids. There is no baby blessings, baptisms or future Temple events to miss. Yet the family still can't move on with their life's. They are consumed by the LDS church more than ever.

 

[sirkickyass]

I see your point kicky but it's also guys I know where there whole family leaves the church. Wife and kids. There is no baby blessings, baptisms or future Temple events to miss. Yet the family still can't move on with their life's. They are consumed by the LDS church more than ever.

It's multigenerational. Did their parents leave at the same time? Their siblings? As a practical matter it takes years to really disentangle yourself, if you ever do. My immediate family has been out for a decade plus at this point, but have only recently stopped getting pressure from older family members, mostly because they're now dead or senile. It doesn't help that members are constantly exhorted to reach out to those whose faith has lapsed.

I presume this is brought on by a slew of facebook posts today, and I encourage you to ask "what does it look like from the other side?" I know I have many mormon FB friends and around this time every year my feed blows up with banal platitudes.

 

[Bronco70]

I know nothing, but if I were to guess I would say it is a way (for some) of validating their decision to leave. You constantly reinforce your reasons, even if only to yourself.

But again, I'm just playing armchair psychologist here.

 

[Beantown]

Kicky I think we are talking about different types of people. The ones I'm referring too talk more about the LDS church than a Bishop would.

They reading more anti LDS books then they probably read the BOM. They are constantly talking about the church and posting articles about the Church. Every conversation somehow leads to the church. They are more obsessed with the church than the people sitting in Sacrament on Sunday.

 

[Beantown]

I know nothing, but if I were to guess I would say it is a way (for some) of validating their decision to leave. You constantly reinforce your reasons, even if only to yourself.

But again, I'm just playing armchair psychologist here.

I get a little in the beginning. But were talking like 5-10 years now for some of the people and it seems to keep getting progressively worse as time goes on.

 

[Bronco70]

Well, I got nothing else.

Try this one on, Bean: Why do all the guys who don't like soccer constantly have to drop into soccer related discussions to tell everyone how much it sucks? If it's that bad, wouldn't you just steer clear of those discussions?

 

[Harambe]

As with all stereotypes, this one is wrong.

Yeah this.

 

[pickledXgrandma]

Kicky I think we are talking about different types of people. The ones I'm referring too talk more about the LDS church than a Bishop would.

They reading more anti LDS books then they probably read the BOM. They are constantly talking about the church and posting articles about the Church. Every conversation somehow leads to the church. They are more obsessed with the church than the people sitting in Sacrament on Sunday.

And you can't stop talking about it on a sports forum... I don't see much of a difference between you and them.

 

[Nate505]

just a theory with no evidence, but it seems the more dogmatic/strict and/or closed the religion is, the more people who leave it lash out against it.

for example I don't hear about too many former methodists lashing out against the church other than perhaps one or two policies they disagree with (like to allow gay ministers). same with the other mainstream protestant denominations.

I hear more lashing out from former catholics, muslims, and ldsers probably because they are both tired of the strictness, and because people they know who are still a part of the church pressure them more about it than say a methodist would

Sent from my SGH-T679 using JazzFanz mobile app

 

[Beantown]

As with all stereotypes, this one is wrong.

Its not a stereotype...I'm talking about real people.

 

[LogGrad98]

Kicky I think we are talking about different types of people. The ones I'm referring too talk more about the LDS church than a Bishop would.

They reading more anti LDS books then they probably read the BOM. They are constantly talking about the church and posting articles about the Church. Every conversation somehow leads to the church. They are more obsessed with the church than the people sitting in Sacrament on Sunday.

This is exactly the group my SIL was in. It was an actual church, complete with baptism and other ordinances, focused on ridding the world of mormonism. They met every sunday and twice during the week and discussed nothing but church doctrine and how dangerous it was and techniques for helping people get rid of the mormon church. I remember one retreat she went on, 3 days of studying the BoM and D&C in order to better understand it all to help people leave it. It was an obsession of hers for over 10 years. Every conversation we had eventually turned to the church and how evil it is. Every gathering, every holiday, she brought the focus back to the evils of the mormon church. I know we have discussed this all here before, and somewhere is a thread where I talk about her personal "conversion" and what changed her from a hate-mongering anti-mormon into a christian, at least in her view. It was scary and weird though while it was going on. And for her it was largely what has been brought up here. The church is so pervasive, and so in-grained, that when someone leaves it, it is like leaving a part of themselves. The feeling of betrayal is that much deeper, and the bitterness gets pushed in deep. It can be all-consuming in a way the church never really was for many of them.

 

[Stifle Tower]

It's not just one person. It's literally dozens. The are consumed with it. It's insanity.

I think with anything, the vocal ones get the attention. Millions of LDS have left the church or are less active. The majority of those just move on quietly. I've come across several people who were baptized LDS and either became inactive in childhood with other family members or were active adults and who are not anymore - and I never knew until some chance comment. On the other hand, there are also a few I know who are very vocal in their opposition. And It's generally because of some "wrong" that was suffered (real or perceived) and of which they can't let go. I think it is particularly acute if that person had an expressed belief or action that led to disfellowship or excommunication, especially if it relates to a "hot-topic" issue that is a cause celebre.

Religion, whether in the LDS church or some other faith, implants itself in one's very core, offering direction, hope, a reason for persevering through hardships and tragedy. I often find myself wondering how those without a belief in a Higher Power or life hereafter deal with situations that would put me completely under...if not for my belief that eventually things will turn around and this life is but just one part of my eternal existence and progression. Call me weak, but my major strength in life - and one I have clung to many times - is a belief in the eternal nature of family. Without that, I doubt I'd find much joy or value in the day-to-day struggles, in the morass of wars, crime, abuse and lack of values that seem increasingly prevalent in the US and world-wide with each passing decade.

I can certainly understand the betrayal and loss some feel when they no longer believe in the LDS or some other church, or lose their faith in religion in general or even in a Higher Power.

 

[pickledXgrandma]

This is exactly the group my SIL was in. It was an actual church, complete with baptism and other ordinances, focused on ridding the world of mormonism. They met every sunday and twice during the week and discussed nothing but church doctrine and how dangerous it was and techniques for helping people get rid of the mormon church. I remember one retreat she went on, 3 days of studying the BoM and D&C in order to better understand it all to help people leave it. It was an obsession of hers for over 10 years. Every conversation we had eventually turned to the church and how evil it is. Every gathering, every holiday, she brought the focus back to the evils of the mormon church. I know we have discussed this all here before, and somewhere is a thread where I talk about her personal "conversion" and what changed her from a hate-mongering anti-mormon into a christian, at least in her view. It was scary and weird though while it was going on. And for her it was largely what has been brought up here. The church is so pervasive, and so in-grained, that when someone leaves it, it is like leaving a part of themselves. The feeling of betrayal is that much deeper, and the bitterness gets pushed in deep. It can be all-consuming in a way the church never really was for many of them.

The funny thing here is that both groups are just trying to help people. Both have good intentions in their hearts. One group thinks the doctrine will enrich your life, while the other group thinks it detracts from life. Its just mans eternal struggle to prove that your right and the other person is wrong.

 

[Revolution 9]

Everyone I know that has left the LDS church can't seem to move with their life's. They are obsessed with church still. It's all they talk and think about. Constant Facebook posts about the church or anti religious comments. The people talk more about the Church now then when they were members.

So why can't they move on to other endeavors? The Church is now consuming more of their time now then it was beforehand. I just don't understand it. It makes no sense.

I've moved on.

I respect people that i know that still follow it.