kiri.de.carlos
Well-Known Member
I'm sure everyone's heard this, but this is my Cinco de Mayo joke:
What did the Spanish firefighter name his sons?
HoseA and HoseB
What did the Spanish firefighter name his sons?
HoseA and HoseB
A Joke a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
- Thread starter kiri.de.carlos
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Joe Bagadonuts
Well-Known Member
I don't think this is a joke. I'm pretty sure it's a true story. You can Google it. The father's name was HoseYerDaddy.
Cappy_Smurf
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I was riding the bus one day, and a smurf puked on my shoes. It just came out of the blue.
Cappy_Smurf
Well-Known Member
Yesterday, I was walking down the street when a car drove by. A smurf pulled down his pants and stuck his bum out the window! Only see that once in a blue moon.
One of the drywall contractors that I know would use this type of line. When the superintendent of the job would ask how many guys he'd send out to the job, he would reply "HoseF" for six guys or "HoseE" for five.
Car starting
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher, “you don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, so!” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher, “you don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, so!” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
Elderly Golfers....
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."
Flag Pole
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
An engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they’re doing.
“We’re trying to calculate the height of this flag pole.”
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: “Isn’t that just like an engineer?! We’re trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length.”
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
An engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they’re doing.
“We’re trying to calculate the height of this flag pole.”
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: “Isn’t that just like an engineer?! We’re trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length.”
Norwegian Firefighters
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 60.
To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old-timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?
“Veil,” said Ole Oleson, the 70—year—old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat *#%*& truck!”
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 60.
To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norse old-timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?
“Veil,” said Ole Oleson, the 70—year—old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat *#%*& truck!”
Joe Bagadonuts
Well-Known Member
No mirrors in your house?
LogGrad98
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A little boy heard his friends using new words and talking tough at school, so he thought he would try it out too.
Saturday morning he came downstairs and went into the kitchen. His mom said "well good morning sunshine, what would you like for breakfast?"
Smiling he announced, "I want some ****ing pancakes and some damn eggs."
His mother, shocked, yelled at him. "What did you just say young man?"
"I said I want some ****ing pancakes and some damn eggs. What are you on the rag?"
She immediately marched him upstairs to his room without any breakfast. His father, who had been out working in the yard, came in and she explained what Junior said and sent the father upstairs to deal with it.
The father sat on the son's bed, and beckoned him to join him. "Well son, I heard you had some problems with mom this morning."
"Yeah, dad, I did," sighed the boy.
The father put his arm around his son's shoulders. "Well, I hope you learned you lesson."
"You bet I did. Never ask mom for ****ing pancakes and damn eggs when she is on the rag."
Saturday morning he came downstairs and went into the kitchen. His mom said "well good morning sunshine, what would you like for breakfast?"
Smiling he announced, "I want some ****ing pancakes and some damn eggs."
His mother, shocked, yelled at him. "What did you just say young man?"
"I said I want some ****ing pancakes and some damn eggs. What are you on the rag?"
She immediately marched him upstairs to his room without any breakfast. His father, who had been out working in the yard, came in and she explained what Junior said and sent the father upstairs to deal with it.
The father sat on the son's bed, and beckoned him to join him. "Well son, I heard you had some problems with mom this morning."
"Yeah, dad, I did," sighed the boy.
The father put his arm around his son's shoulders. "Well, I hope you learned you lesson."
"You bet I did. Never ask mom for ****ing pancakes and damn eggs when she is on the rag."
A Rabbi was an avid follower of soccer and was in fact so enthusiastic that he could truly be described as a fanatic about the game. While walking to the synagogue one day he stopped a member of his congregation and said to him, "Mr. Cohen, you know how keen I am about the game of soccer, don't you?"
To which Mr. Cohen replied, "Of course I do, Rabbi, in fact the whole congregation knows what a fanatic you are about the game."
The Rabbi then said to Mr. Cohen, "Well, I'm afraid that I have a terrible problem. I've learned today that the World Cup final is due to be played on Yom Kippur and I don't know what to do about it!"
Mr. Cohen pondered the problem for a few moments and then said to the Rabbi, "Well, Rabbi, there's only one thing you can do. You'll have to tape it."
"What?" exclaimed the Rabbi, "the whole service?"
To which Mr. Cohen replied, "Of course I do, Rabbi, in fact the whole congregation knows what a fanatic you are about the game."
The Rabbi then said to Mr. Cohen, "Well, I'm afraid that I have a terrible problem. I've learned today that the World Cup final is due to be played on Yom Kippur and I don't know what to do about it!"
Mr. Cohen pondered the problem for a few moments and then said to the Rabbi, "Well, Rabbi, there's only one thing you can do. You'll have to tape it."
"What?" exclaimed the Rabbi, "the whole service?"
Cappy_Smurf
Well-Known Member
No mirrors! Vanity is frowned upon in smurf culture. Still, I get to see a blue bum whenever I visit smurfette, but I was referring to seeing one sticking out of a car window.
kiri.de.carlos
Well-Known Member
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interupting cow.
Interupting cow
MOO!
Who's there?
Interupting cow.
Interupting cow
MOO!
A guy walk into a bar and asks the bartender for the best IPA they have on tap. The bartender tells him they don't have any good IPAs on tap because there aren't any good IPAs under 4%abv.
The guy says "Okay, then give me the best IPA you have in a bottle."
The bartender gives it to him but when he pops it open and pours it into his glass he complains.
"Bartender, I've had this IPA many times and it's well known for it's amazing hop aroma."
The bartender explains that because of the state's central ordering system that bottle of beer is probably better than 6 months old and the hop aroma has long since gone away.
"Oh, well, that's too bad. Forget about the beer, give me a double jack and coke instead"
The bartender cries.
The guy says "Okay, then give me the best IPA you have in a bottle."
The bartender gives it to him but when he pops it open and pours it into his glass he complains.
"Bartender, I've had this IPA many times and it's well known for it's amazing hop aroma."
The bartender explains that because of the state's central ordering system that bottle of beer is probably better than 6 months old and the hop aroma has long since gone away.
"Oh, well, that's too bad. Forget about the beer, give me a double jack and coke instead"
The bartender cries.
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Joe Bagadonuts
Well-Known Member
Fixed. Pretty funny. Did you write this joke yourself? One wrong word makes a pretty big difference, though.
LogGrad98
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Actually he had it right. They have to be under 4 to be on tap in Utah. So he didn't have any on tap because he didn't have any that were under 4.
or
Why did the little chicken cross the road hardly?
Because he was a little chicken and hardly knew how to walk.
or
Why did the little chicken cross the road naked?
Because he was a little chicken and could only barely walk.
(I think I like the last one best)