I never asked to feel this way. I spent OVER TEN ****ING YEARS hearing from EVERYONE how I just needed to snap out of it. I couldn't understand why I constantly felt like **** after my cancer treatment was over. I thought life should continue just as before, right? I had been the life of the party, always the one to welcome people to the group. I loved to be around people. My wife was drawn to that, it is what pulled us together in the first place really. Now I was more often than not sullen, I didn't want to be around anyone, I wanted to sit by myself in a corner or not go. I couldn't shake the feelings of dread, and I hated myself for it. And ALL I ****ING GOT FROM ANYONE WAS SNAP OUT OF IT, WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU AREN'T THE MAN I MARRIED ANYMORE, LOOK WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR KIDS, HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH TO ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU WANT AND NOT BE THERE FOR YOUR FAMILY, WHAT KIND OF A PIECE OF **** ARE YOU THAT YOU CAN'T JUST SNAP OUT OF IT, YOUR KIDS NEED YOU, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BAD FATHER, WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING TO DISCONNECT FROM LIFE, CAN'T YOU SEE THE GIGANTIC MIRACLE GOD HAS WROUGHT GETTING YOU THROUGH CANCER, BE A MAN...BE A ****ING MAN!!!
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT NEVER HELPS, IT NEVER HELPS AT ALL. THAT IS THE ********. THE ******** IS THAT WE ARE SO POISONED AGAINST SHOWING ANY KIND OF WEAKNESS THAT WE GET SHAMED INTO THINKING IT IS ALL US, IT IS OUR CHOICES, IT IS OUR FAILINGS THAT MAKE US LIKE THIS. BY MY PARENTS, MY WIFE, THE CHURCH LEADERS I TURNED TO FOR HELP, EVEN MY BEST FRIEND SAT THERE AND SAID "HEY JUST SNAP OUT OF IT, BE A MAN!!"
BY GOD I DARE ANYONE WHO IS NOT A MAN TO GO THROUGH THIS FOR THE BETTER PART OF 2 DECADES WITHOUT KILLING THEMSELVES. IT TAKES MORE THAN A MAN TO FIGHT THROUGH IT EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE AND YOU CANNOT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE THEN SHUT THE **** UP...AND LISTEN!! JUST STOP TALKING AND LISTEN TO THE PERSON.
I finally had someone listen to me. We had moved around and finally made it back to Utah. I had attempted suicide twice in that time frame, believing WITH ALL MY SOUL THAT IT WAS DOING MY FAMILY...MY KIDS...A HUGE FAVOR. GET OUT OF THEIR LIVES, SET THEM FREE. We started going back to a doctor that I had always connected with. He listened to whatever it was I had gone to him about, then just put his hand on my leg and looked into my eyes and asked "but how are you?" I broke down then and there and felt like a total ***** for doing it. I still feel somewhat ashamed. I told him everything I had been feeling, and that I couldn't understand why I felt that way, and how it and what everyone was telling me made me feel about myself. We talked and he walked me through the first assessment I had taken, and told me I was suffering from clinical depression. After a few more visits with him and a couple other doctors, among them a neurologist and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with a form of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The same thing guys have coming home from war. It occurs in patients who had dealt with a serious physical trauma (cancer is a common trigger) in which the body more or less reconfigures the brain chemistry to help the mind cope with an uncopeable (is that a word?) situation, and sometimes the brain cannot bounce back, the chemicals stay out of whack even though the trigger is gone, and long-term severe depression is often the result.
After nearly 8 years of my family's life I finally started getting help. Most of my children's childhood they had to deal with a dad like me, and I will never get those years back. Oh I wasn't abusive, but depression makes itself known. I was hyper-critical, didn't want to spend time with my kids, I was quick to anger, and slow to apologize, I was suffering and in some ways took it out on my family. That is where the "how can you do this to your family" bit comes in I guess.
Now I have been in treatment for about 6 years, and I have come to terms, mostly, with the fact that I will likely never get on top of this. To date I have tried 14 different medications all with varying effects, none that really every worked. The most I can hope for, I fear, is to feel kind of ok sometimes. But that is better than the alternative. Not long after I quit Jazzfanz a while back I went through an experience trying to help someone very very dear to me get through her own bout with depression, and I was on the phone with her trying to talk her down when she decided to end her life. I was already in a low point and it put me into a tailspin and I made another attempt on my own life.
I'm doing ok now. I go through periods of severe relapse, following by adjusting meds or trying new ones, and then I get back to ok. But I can live with ok.
I guess I needed to share, I don't know why I put all this out there, but there it is.
If you know anyone you have ever told to just "snap out of it" please try to help them get help.
