Why can't people who leave the LDS church move on?

[Beantown]

It's honestly thought-processes like these that scare me for the future of our children. Your kids aren't a ****ing commodity. They're not an extension of things that you should try to control.

They're you're ****ing kids. And parents who have this loose, my-way-or-get-the-****-out-of-my-face approach are typically parents who ironically demand less respect from their kids. No one likes a pushover-- but no one is impressed by an idealistic jackass either.

Not pointing fingers Bean, it's just an issue that I've seen lots of. You seem like a good father, and you have adorable kids that I know you love

We're not talking about kids, were talking about adults.

 

[The Thriller]

There's a fine line between "supporting" your kids and being overbearing.

For some, they may continue to finance their children's education/cellphone/car while others might not.

The point is (and is what the LDS church teaches... I think...) this is an issue between the parents and the children. The parents have the obligation and duty to be both caring/loving yet teachers and holding their child accountable.

There's a fine line. And from what I've heard, many parents will adjust that line depending on the child.

But I don't think we can blame any religion for the (failing) practices/methods that the parents/children have.

 

[Beantown]

It's honestly thought-processes like these that scare me for the future of our children. Your kids aren't a ****ing commodity. They're not an extension of things that you should try to control.

They're you're ****ing kids. And parents who have this loose, my-way-or-get-the-****-out-of-my-face approach are typically parents who ironically demand less respect from their kids. No one likes a pushover-- but no one is impressed by an idealistic jackass either.

Not pointing fingers Bean, it's just an issue that I've seen lots of. You seem like a good father, and you have adorable kids that I know you love

We're not talking about kids, were talking about adults. My parents didn't give me a dime after high school. Not much in high school either. I worked all through high school and college. They could have payed for everything but that not their style.

 

[Deleted member 848]

We're not talking about kids, were talking about adults. My parents didn't give me a dime after high school. Not much in high school either. I worked all through high school and college. They could have payed for everything but that not their style.

How much did college cost for you? Also, how do you think that it worked out in the long run? Will you do the same for your kids?



Either way, your point was that parents should never be judged for what they do with their money, or how they incentivize their children's behaviour. And to me, that is a point that surpasses stupidity

 

[LogGrad98]

Without my parents', and others, financial support I have no idea what I would have done while I was undergoing cancer treatment. Long-term disability payed 60% of my salary, my wife wasn't working and really couldn't due to my care and caring for our 3 small children. If it weren't for my parents....wow I have no idea. As it was the bills drove us to a bankruptcy, but we likely would have lost our house in the middle of it all. Scares me to death to think about it. So I will be there for my kids if they have such a need. And anyone else I can help. I remember a man in my parents' ward came to a fund-raiser some friends of mine put on for us. We were sitting on about $25k in medical at that time that we had to pay (total treatment was near a half mill...thank God I had decent insurance, but even with that we ended up with huge bills). This guy came and bought a rice krispie square or something and handed them a $20 and said keep the change, then he handed them an envelope. In it was a check for $1000, which there was no way he could afford. I have done all I could since to be able to pay it forward when the opportunities come along.

 

[♪alt13]

That's ********. So if my dad wants me to go to his alma-mater, and threatens me with funding if I don't go, then he can't be judged? If my parents want me to play football in high school, and use my funding as incentive, they shouldn't be judged?

If my father is a incestual pedophiliac, and says that I'll only get money for college if I 'obey' him, then he shouldn't be judged?

Absolute horse-manure.

If my father was this I wouldn't want his money. Sounds like you have other **** going on with your father that just isn't ****ing cool. You don't need your dads money bro, **** him.

 

[b_line]

Without my parents', and others, financial support I have no idea what I would have done while I was undergoing cancer treatment. Long-term disability payed 60% of my salary, my wife wasn't working and really couldn't due to my care and caring for our 3 small children. If it weren't for my parents....wow I have no idea. As it was the bills drove us to a bankruptcy, but we likely would have lost our house in the middle of it all. Scares me to death to think about it. So I will be there for my kids if they have such a need. And anyone else I can help. I remember a man in my parents' ward came to a fund-raiser some friends of mine put on for us. We were sitting on about $25k in medical at that time that we had to pay (total treatment was near a half mill...thank God I had decent insurance, but even with that we ended up with huge bills). This guy came and bought a rice krispie square or something and handed them a $20 and said keep the change, then he handed them an envelope. In it was a check for $1000, which there was no way he could afford. I have done all I could since to be able to pay it forward when the opportunities come along.

Couldn't you have just cooked blue meth?

Joking aside, that was very nice of him to do that. True Christlike person right there

 

[GVC]

That is pretty lame of your parents but it sounds like you are crying about it way more than you should. This is common in almost every family. Non-religious or religious. If you make a choice they don't agree with and you are over 18 they can cut you off financially without a second thought.


And to be honest it should be that way. If my kids drop out of college no way in hell am I helping them with cars, phones or rent. I'm not going to finance my kids dumb decisions. You chose a different path than your parents wanted so they cut you off financially. Boo hoo...... that happens everyday. Its their money and their choice.

Did you even read his post? The money they withheld was not their money. It was money given to pickled by a wealthy uncle. His parents stole that money because he decided not to be Mormon.

 

[NUMBERICA]

I think part of it, from my experience, is feeling like they have wasted years of their lives on something they felt, in the end, was deceptive, and so there is a level of bitterness that will take years in turn to resolve itself. They are lashing out as a way to relieve that pressure and empty feeling of betrayal.

There's also the bitterness of having your family, community, and people you grew up with largely pitted against you and rightfully resenting that such a force naturally does that.

 

[NUMBERICA]

Interesting take. Explain.

Impossible. Like asking a dog to do your taxes.

 

[asian_roger]

Without my parents', and others, financial support I have no idea what I would have done while I was undergoing cancer treatment. Long-term disability payed 60% of my salary, my wife wasn't working and really couldn't due to my care and caring for our 3 small children. If it weren't for my parents....wow I have no idea. As it was the bills drove us to a bankruptcy, but we likely would have lost our house in the middle of it all. Scares me to death to think about it. So I will be there for my kids if they have such a need. And anyone else I can help. I remember a man in my parents' ward came to a fund-raiser some friends of mine put on for us. We were sitting on about $25k in medical at that time that we had to pay (total treatment was near a half mill...thank God I had decent insurance, but even with that we ended up with huge bills). This guy came and bought a rice krispie square or something and handed them a $20 and said keep the change, then he handed them an envelope. In it was a check for $1000, which there was no way he could afford. I have done all I could since to be able to pay it forward when the opportunities come along.

Seriously though, that's what families are for. What an incredibly nice stranger too!

 

[pickledXgrandma]

That is pretty lame of your parents but it sounds like you are crying about it way more than you should. This is common in almost every family. Non-religious or religious. If you make a choice they don't agree with and you are over 18 they can cut you off financially without a second thought.


And to be honest it should be that way. If my kids drop out of college no way in hell am I helping them with cars, phones or rent. I'm not going to finance my kids dumb decisions. You chose a different path than your parents wanted so they cut you off financially. Boo hoo...... that happens everyday. Its their money and their choice.

Awww Beantown,Beantown.... You are the exact reason I thought twice before wanting to share my experiences. My parents were INHIBITING me from STILL attending college. I wasn't dropping out, I was doing everything a responsible young male should be doing at that age. If you have the ability to help your children get through college and they are doing what they should be doing, wouldn't you help them out? Or would you rather potentially turn them into a poverty ridden teenager for not wanting to advertise your beliefs somewhere for two years? I don't understand your reasoning and you seem like the type of person that I will never understand, so I will probably not waste my time past this post with you....hopefully.

 

[pickledXgrandma]

^That's a great post and very telling about your personality and where you're at in life... meant as a compliment.

You didn't ask, but my advice is not to get too bitter towards God (whether He exists or not) and keep doing your thing. You're still very young and you may end up atheist, agnostic, Mormon, Baptist, whatever..... just be a good dude and don't shut the door on God completely.

Thanks PKM, I always enjoy your advice on this board. As a younger guy, its sometimes hard for me to find people in my life that are older than me and can share wisdom with me that I need.
But I am definitely not bitter towards God, I am mature enough to know that is all just human error and the human way. I find radical religious just as dumb as radical atheists, I guess I am just too much of a factual person. I can't argue there is no god because there is no proof there is no god. I cannot argue there is a god because I have seen no proof there is one.

 

[♪alt13]

Awww Beantown,Beantown.... You are the exact reason I thought twice before wanting to share my experiences. My parents were INHIBITING me from STILL attending college. I wasn't dropping out, I was doing everything a responsible young male should be doing at that age. If you have the ability to help your children get through college and they are doing what they should be doing, wouldn't you help them out? Or would you rather potentially turn them into a poverty ridden teenager for not wanting to advertise your beliefs somewhere for two years? I don't understand your reasoning and you seem like the type of person that I will never understand, so I will probably not waste my time past this post with you....hopefully.

As someone that did not have any financial help from my family maybe I can explain where Beans bitterness comes from>(I could be way off the mark though)

I have always paid my own bills. It drives me crazy when people in their twenties whine that their parents aren't supporting them. Imo you have every right to be pissed at your parents but to use your lack of access to a trust fund as an excuse not to attend college is bs. There are plenty of people that have had no other choice and have gotten it done irregardless. I hope to go back to school this winter. I will be paying out of pocket and I have a family to support.
The reason I haven't completed a college education is because I didn't, period. Excuses are like *** holes everybody has one and they all stink.

 

[pickledXgrandma]

As someone that did not have any financial help from my family maybe I can explain where Beans bitterness comes from>(I could be way off the mark though)

I have always paid my own bills. It drives me crazy when people in their twenties whine that their parents aren't supporting them. Imo you have every right to be pissed at your parents but to use your lack of access to a trust fund as an excuse not to attend college is bs. There are plenty of people that have had no other choice and have gotten it done irregardless. I hope to go back to school this winter. I will be paying out of pocket and I have a family to support.
The reason I haven't completed a college education is because I didn't, period. Excuses are like *** holes everybody has one and they all stink.

I really hope I didn't come off as whiny about the money for education, as my fund ran out halfway through this last year. So I competed in Skills USA and won a scholarship to pay for my last semester. I don't want to come off as the person that wont go to college because its not paid for as I have been doing what I can to continue to attend (scholarship award). I'm taking two years off right now to save and go back because that fund only covered two years. I realize that I was extremely blessed with that fund, but I am really not the type of person that I think I am being portrayed as...?...

 

[♪alt13]

I really hope I didn't come off as whiny about the money for education, as my fund ran out halfway through this last year. So I competed in Skills USA and won a scholarship to pay for my last semester. I don't want to come off as the person that wont go to college because its not paid for as I have been doing what I can to continue to attend (scholarship award). I'm taking two years off right now to save and go back because that fund only covered two years. I realize that I was extremely blessed with that fund, but I am really not the type of person that I think I am being portrayed as...?...

I really didn't mean to pigeon hole you. I think you sound like you probably have a good handle on your life. I just assumed that when you said that your parents were inhibiting you from attending college that you were using it as an excuse. I have had people that were damn near 30 attempt to solicit my pity because daddy stopped paying for their cell phone. If laughter counts as pity they got it.

 

[Nate505]

My point was a parent can cut off a kid for whatever reason they want and should not be judged for it. Some parents stop helping kids financially after 18 anyways. It's the parents money and its their choice to help their adult child financially however they see fit.....or not at all.

Of course they should be judged. It's one thing for a parent to not help an adult child financially based on principle (though I don't understand it, but whatever), but it's another to use it as a bribe for a child to make a spiritual decision.

It's also bizarre for a parent to get someone to follow their religion on a quid pro quo basis.

 

[Sneakers]

Wonder if you could sue for the money left to you by your uncle.

 

[Joe Bagadonuts]

I'm, for all intents and purposes, an ex-mormon, but I've never been antagonistic to the church publicly or privately. I don't have any ill-will towards the church in anyway, I just don't believe anything about it. I suppose you could say that it's just not for me.

I went on a full two year mission to South Korea, and many from my mission (a significant number) are currently inactive and none of them went off the deep end. I know two people from high school who are angry at the Mormon church. One got the **** beat out of him in eastern europe like three times and the other is a militant lesbian who works at a bar.

This is all anecdotal but it's a counterpoint to Beanclown's experience. The majority of my friends who are not currently active(maybe 20) are not, in any way shape or form, angry or obsessed at or with the LDS church. The reason you hear about it is simply because the ones who are angry, are also loud. I'm not loud about my disbelief, who cares? It's not a big deal. You wouldn't know about any of these types of people because WTF would they tell you about it or post about it on facebook (lifeinvader)? They really don't care.

thank you for reading

~Safetydan

Excellent post and I completely agree. This matches my experience as well. I left the church and have lots of friends who also left the church. None of us spend any energy or effort telling anybody else that they ought to leave the church and we don't appreciate it when people try to drag us into the church. There are a lot of things I admire about the Mormon church, especially the focus on family, but one thing that I do not admire at all is the holier than thou attitude and the belief that they are right and everyone else is wrong. This, in a nutshell, is why I love to see BYU lose. Cheering against that team, though, is really the extent of my anti-Mormonism. That's why I take issue with bean's assertion that all ex-Mormons are consumed with their anger toward the church. It's simply not true. Not even close.

 

[Stoked]

Of course they should be judged. It's one thing for a parent to not help an adult child financially based on principle (though I don't understand it, but whatever), but it's another to use it as a bribe for a child to make a spiritual decision.

It's also bizarre for a parent to get someone to follow their religion on a quid pro quo basis.

It happens way to much. Us former missionaries all know other former missionaries that were only there due to some financial gain from their parents. Had one guy that would get a brand new Shelby GT if he went on a mission.

As for my kids...as long as they are happy, well rounded, good to the important people in their life and not actively breaking laws I have succeeded. Rich, poor, straight, non religious, liberal, conservative...all that is up to them.